“I’M NOT A J.CREW BITCH.”- southern charm recap 6/12

EPISODE ELEVEN BITCHES!! I am into the swing of my new job, worked out after work today, and am in a face mask as I prepare to watch this week’s Southern Charm- WHO SAYS YOU CAN’T HAVE IT ALL?! This week hinted at being the episode where Shep makes a move on Chelsea and she doesn’t like it, so I’m nervous to see how this episode goes. Also, Naomie hinted she’s gonna pop off on Craig on her instagram earlier today, so I’m a little scared for that too.
                                                         

Also, Shep was riding the struggle bus big time, not only with the women in his life, but with his hard partying ways. WILL SHEP EVER GROW UP?! We may never know.

Ok back to the real ep!! Chelsea & Cameran are gonna go hang out with Kathryn, and Cameran admits she was really impressed by Kathryn when they went to lunch together. JD & Thomas go to lunch, and Kathryn asks Thomas if she can bring Kenzie on a modeling gig- c’mon, stage mom! JD is shook by the fact that Thomas and Landon are dating, AND SO ARE THE REST OF US. There’s a cutaway of Landon guffawing as she finds Thomas’s poetry book while he sighs, exasperated. 

Landon and her Dad are out on the town, and she comments something along the lines of “is there anything better than this?” And he says “Being in Key West.” I love him immediately. Landon’s dad basically gives her a job offer to just SHOW UP TO A FUCKIN PROPERTY EVERYDAY AND TELL PEOPLE WHAT TO DO, and how this way, she can make a living. Landon responds with something along the lines of “ehhh well I hope I can make a living off of the website”- girrrrrrrl. “It would be easy to just work for my dad and marry Thomas, but I want to do something for myself”- bitch, you don’t have to marry Thomas, but like, take the fuckin job!!! Give up on the website formerly known as Roam!! TAKE THE MONEY! LISTEN TO THOSE MORE BROKE THAN YOU (me)!!!!!

We then see Cameran and Shep talking, and Shep is even admitting that Chelsea and Austen are together, but Cameran is vehemently denying it. I can’t blame her though…Chelsea denies it like crazy when ANYONE asks her, so you certainly can’t blame other guys for trying. Shep then displays minor depression issues, and shows that money really can’t buy happiness- Shep is rich af but still seems to be having a tough time. 

“I have to market myself like I’m a J.Crew bitch, and I’m not a J.Crew bitch.” LOLZ KATHRYN! My favorite girls all together- Cameran, Chelsea, & Kathryn are all shopping to get Kathryn something to wear other than Forever 21 rompers to her modeling gig. SORRY GIRL- U A MOM NOW! OFF TO ANN TAYLOR YOU GO!! I spoke too soon- Kathryn tried another romper on. OMG! MORE KEY WEST! Cameran announces she’s throwing a Key West trip for her bday, and Cameran asks if Kathryn would be ok if they all went to Key West together, including Landon. But Kathryn don’t give a fuck, cause she’s a hot ass bitch- iconic. Cameran then tells Chelsea about the shitshow that Shep was the week before, and Chelsea says her, Shep, & Austen are all hanging out soon. WHAT A RECIPE FOR DISASTER!!!

“I’m doing my best to not work”- same, Austen. 

Chelsea then admits Shep tried to make out with her a bunch of times, and called her and Austen “a joke,” and that he’s with Landon all the time…ARE THESE PEOPLE SEEING SOMETHING I’M NOT?! There is barely a thread of a relationship between Austen & Landon, and I really don’t know where this idea has stemmed. Cameran is also probably to credit for planting this seed in Shep’s mind about he and Chelsea, since Chelsea never admits to anything about Austen. JUST EFFING ADMIT IT GIRL, then maybe your best friend Cameran wouldn’t have been pawning you off to her other best friend Shep! It’s basically everyone’s fault.

DA BOYZ are all at dinner, and Austen is SEETHING in the corner when Shepard walks in. Where’s Shep’s friend with the mullet? Craig and Whitney are looking pretty shook, and Shep says “it was a test!” and Craig pops in, saying how Shep tried to “bang Naomie” when they first started dating, and Craig also added, “hopefully the girl I’m marrying likes me enough to say no.” WOWOW DRAG SHEP! This stuff is crazy. Then Shep is still pissed because Austen took Chelsea from Shep, and he just wanted to get a last chance. Shep does have a point though- Cameran was inSIStent about Chelsea and Shep getting together. He was merely listening to someone he considers a good friend, and his ego got in the way.

Whitney and Craig basically are saying everyone makes mistakes, but also SHEP IS SHEP, and Craig is of course playing devil’s advocate cause he don’t like Sheppy. Haha. Austen then brings up that Shep mentioned weeks ago that Austen “doesn’t make enough money for her,” which is sucky. Also, bitch, do you HAVE A JOB SHEP?!? Ok then Beau, that little SHIT STIRRER, tells Shep about the money comment, which is I mean, TRUE! You fuckin said it Shep! He then basically storms off, saying “I DON’T CARE, I HAVE A MILLION FRIENDS,” which is something I’ve thought and said several times. Except I literally have four friends and a cat, so, keep dreaming Shep, and keep dreaming, Shawna.

Kathryn and Kenzie are doing a photo shoot, and it’s truly heartwarming. Kathryn is excited to spend more time with Kenzie, and Thomas seems happy to be there too. It was such a good moment!! I love this. Also, I love that the Bravo producers made the moment of Kenzie screaming getting into the car to be a dramatic moment previewed at the top of the season, but it was really just a grumpy toddler that wanted her mom,  it it’s so sad for Kathryn to not be able to be with her kids. 

Cameran & Chelsea are finally talking about the Shep moment. Hopefully now is the time for Cameran to see the error in her ways!! Cameran says Shep is butt hurt because he liked her at some point, and Shep also blamed Cameran for this too, and she said “I love y’all both and wanted you to be together.” DDANG then Chelsea goes in and is basically like, uh, you know Shep is trash why do you want me to date him?! It’s just Cameran being a little selfish and wanting her two best friends to conveniently date each other. 

FINALLY MY QUEEN NAOMIE! IN THE LAST TEN MINS!! Naomie asked if he just woke up, and he was like “ugh a low blow right away.” Craig, relax, you STILL sound asleep. They are in a therapy session, and Craig is whining about his mean girlfriend. Naomie is working her ass off, and Craig is just lazy!! What is she supposed to support you with? Your new careers? Your knitting? Gardening? There’s a difference between being coddled and being supported, and he wants to be coddled. But shit, Naomie straight up said “I don’t like the way you are!” Yowza.

Cameran & Shep are hanging out, and she confronts him about trying to kiss Chelsea twice, and his response? “So? I can’t remember.” GOOD ONE SHEPARD. Cameran tells him he is not entitled to kiss any girl he thinks is hot, which is so true. The only reason Cameran can tolerate him is because she’s already married and is not in his wrath. JUST ADMIT YOU EFFING CARE, SHEP!!

YAAAS NEXT WEEK IS GONNA BE SO DAMN GOOD!! KATHRYN & CAMERAN!! LANDON & KATHRYN! Craig legit says “if you correct me one more time, we are separating tonight…” I would cut a bitch if anyone said that to me, and I know Naomie is no different. (I mostly love Craig but he needs to effing RELAX!!!) 

and the iconic scene….SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! XOXO

(southern charm Savannah is still fucking terrible.)

“LOOK AT ME, CRYING INTO A CHICKEN WING”- southern charm recap 5/29

WELCOME BACK TO THE OLD CHARMER!! I had an amazing Memorial Day weekend, and spent 80% of it sipping sangria on a pool float, Lisa Vanderpump style. BUT BACK TO REALITY.

I just wanna be Lisa.

Last week, we left off with good old Shep and Craig defending Kathryn to Cameran, who is very not into the idea of reasoning with her. But as the series preview showed, there will be an amazing convo between Kathryn and Cameran at some point that I can’t WAIT for!!

We see that Craig FINALLY graduated from college- woohoo! Cameran is on speakerphone with her husband, and says she’s going to Homegoods, to which I say, SAME. She tells her husband that the psychic told her she would have three kids, and he seemed stoked about it, while Cameran looked like she wanted to die. 

“don’t drag me into your hairbrained schemes, Craig.”

Craig and Gizmo celebrate his graduation, and he FaceTimes his Mom and Dad, and by that, I mean he holds Gizmo up in front of the camera. Amazing.
Cameran and Chelsea hit up Homegoods, and I’ve never related to this show than in this moment. I also gossip with my friends about Kathryn in Homegoods. Cameran just needs to hit Kathryn up, dammit, and see how much growing up she has done, and have them all revolt against Landon, TYSM.

damn girl ya cart is loaded!

Naomie and Craig go to dinner, and he surprises her with his law school graduation, and she says “I feel like I really don’t believe you,” and chuckles, and then Craig is ready to pop off on her. He is still hung up over the fact she pushes him to be better, rather than blindly supporting anything he does.  

for fuck’s sake, craig.

Cameran and Shep chat on the phone, and she agrees to go to lunch with him and Kathryn- scandalous! But I am SO excited to see Cameran see a reasonable side of Kathryn.  Cameran has a weird soft spot in her heart for Thomas, and in her eyes, he can do no wrong. 

Here she comes! Good ol Landon! She’s on the phone with a friend talking about Thomas, and also opens up the phone call with “I’ve been working all day”- bITCH where?! On the website you don’t write articles for? 

So they go on a date, and I’m cringing the whole time. She says “good to see you” constantly, like you would on an awkward run in you have with a high school friend at TJ Maxx, before you run away to buy clearance Sam Edelman sandals. Landon is, of course, bright red and giggling  the whole time. Then, as Thomas chugs his wine, the lady at the table next to them drunkenly lectures them as to why they are soulmates, and how Thomas needs to “own it.” Excuse me, lady, you 1) are wrong and 2) owe Lisa Rinna royalties for stealing her catchphrase. (Side note: My friends and I watched over an hour of Lisa Rinna QVC programming and let me tell you, we we transfixed the whole time. 10/10 would recommend.)

her audition for “friend of” next season

YAAAAS time for the lunch I’ve been waiting all season for! Shep, Craig, and Kathryn all head to lunch and wait for Cameran. BUT NOW, we see Cameran is bringing Whitney with her for backup- GIRL, you can fend for yourself- why do you need Whitney?! The flashbacks they show of Kathryn from earlier seasons are haunting. I hope she’s really turned it around! 

After listening to Cameran speak, it feels a little bit better in the air. She seems sweet and comforting to Kathryn, and they were looking to see how she was doing. She has been through hell and back at the age of 25, which is NUTS! Craig tells the table he officially graduated, and of COURSE Shep gotta say something about it. 

So Craig and Austen are hanging out, which is a refreshing pair to see together! They basically decide Chelsea is flighty af even though Austen really likes her. OF C O U R S E who comes peep a leeping in to Chelsea’s salon but…SHEP. Ugh. Chelsea also tells Shep that she and Austen “have fun,” and doesn’t admit to going on dates with him. C’MON GIRL, have some respect for that good good boy that likes you!! Austen and Craig basically talk about how creepy Shep is, and Craig says how Shep creeped on Naomie when they first started hanging out- ok I don’t like where this story is going- why can’t Shep just NOT be a predator?!

Deidre, aka the stand in mother of Kathryn’s children, starts planning Saint’s wedding while Thomas basically just agrees with whatever she says. For a guy that has been convicted on drug charges, it’s pretty wild how much he shames Kathryn for her mistakes. Thomas invites his Dad, and he says he has a dentist appointment at 2:30 (omg) and if they pull out his tooth, he’s not coming. Yikes! T.Rav’s Daddy issues are slowly bubbling to the surface of this bourbon slushee that is T.Rav’s life (lol), and some of his decisions are starting to make sense. 

Whitney tells Thomas he had lunch with Kathryn, and suggests inviting her to Saint’s birthday party. We see The Giggler, aka Landon, on date with her hot piece. “We’re not allowed to call it Roam anymore” -hahahahaha “as it turns out, there are several other companies called Roam.” hahahhahaa!! Then Landon calls herself an Old Hen, to which I say, shit, talk about a self drag!! Landon then tells an ABSOLUTELY heart wrenching story about how no man has ever gone on a walk with her and her 12-year old dog the whole time she has had her- fuck, Landon, my heart is breaking for you! As much as Landon bugs the f out of me, I truly saw some character redemption in her tonight. What made her unlikeable to me in the past was the general prissiness and prentension, but this moment showed a sliver of true human persona, which I appreciate!! “Look at me, crying into a chicken wing!!”

Elizabeth and Kathryn go to coffee, and Kathryn tearily thinks about the fact it’s Saint’s birthday, and she’s not with her baby boy on his day. Then Elizabeth reveals that ta-daaa! She has the response from Thomas from the letter she wrote him earlier! Thomas invited her to Saint’s birthday party! I like where this is going.

Next Week: Kathryn attends Saint’s bday! Cameran breaks into Shep’s condo because he fell off the grid! Can’t wait to see what happens!! SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!!

I LITERALLY CAFTAN’T. southern charm recap 5/22

EPISODE 8?! This season is flying by and I love every second. I started my new job today (whee) and and writing to you from my iPad for the first time (this is difficult whee!!) so, let’s get STARTED.

Cameran gave the recap of last week, and ended it beautifully with “I meaaaaaan, I think Landon would flirt with a corpse.” Award winning.  But WHERE is Mama Estelle?!i miss your smile.

Kathryn leaves darling Whitney a voicemail (in her Jeep obvi)- oh dang are the rivals making amends?! Does Kathryn ever leave her Jeep?! I NEED ANSWERS!

Thomas is playing tour guide of Charleston with Kenzie- she is so dang cute I want to die.

Naomie and Craig are going to counseling, and he’s complaining that she’s “not on his team,” and I’m sure their therapist is laughing at him under his breath. “Being from the North doesn’t give him an excuse to be an asshole.”

“He’s just a sensitive little guy”- LOLZ NAOMIE DRAG HIM 

It’s so hard not to mock Craig for being a whiny baby. Speaking of whiny Craig, My friend Dan always brings the lols during this show on twitter, and tonight was no different.Craig’s reasoning is based on his fragile ego, and I love that Naomie tries to give him a sense of reality by giving it to him straight. 

Austen & Landon are getting crunk in da club- I don’t know why he hangs out with her and it bugs big time. Last week it was the FaceTime call, and don’t even get me STARTED on “this isn’t roam-worthy.”

“You think Chelsea is the type that would let me like, wiggle on top of her while I’m drunk?” – GROSSO AUSTEN.

omg Shep trying to make Landon and Austen still happen? Blech. Austen reveals that Chelsea basically friend zoned him, Shep-style. Shep is shakin in his boots at the thought of another chance with Chelsea, and it gives him even more ammo to try to hook Austen and Landon up together. 

Ok we are back in da house with T.Rav’s dad, who had an illustrious political career, and I’m sure Thomas wishes he could say the same. We get a back story about Thomas’s many siblings, and how he ended up being a lot closer to his mom after his parents split.

Chelsea continues to drag Austen along! I mean, they go on a date. Chelsea is continuing to be the “cool girl” because she “likes sports.” But she also calls out his boner, and says their intercourse ended so quickly there wasn’t any time for him to get sweaty… LOLLL ok Chelsea I’ll give you that one. Austen then divulges his sister died in a freak accident when she was only 10 and he was even younger, which was S O sad, but you can also see how much Chelsea really cares about Austen, so maybe she will end up continuing to fall for him- good luck to him and his boner! 

OMG Patricia! And her equally glamorous friend, Georgette, who she described as first meeting at a “fancy party,” and also the business partner of her AMAZING caftan line! Dressed in all black, she is the yin to Patricia’s yang, and I’m immediately obsessed.

TIME FOR THE KATHRYN/CHELSEA MEETCUTE!

Chelsea is doing Kathryn’s hair, and speaks about the letter she has written to Thomas. Also, Kathryn’s hair looks AMAZING in the confessional. Yas bitch.

We see Thomas reading the letter to JD, and the suspense is killing me! Juxtaposed with Kathryn describing her relationship with Thomas to Chelsea- what a moment. Kathryn knows the tumultuous relationship Thomas has with his father, and if anything, she is happy that she gave Thomas a child in attempts to somehow bond with his Dad. JD and Thomas agree that he wants to give Kathryn a chance, so WE’LL SEE!!!

“I want one with Whitney’s face on it”- Cameran and also, me.

Cultural appropriation time! Everyone shows up in their Saris & they eat curry. Georgette doesn’t want any language at the table, but after 3 gin rickey’s everyone is getting buckwild.

Georgette is, of course, sporting a huge rock on her finger which looks amazing with her dog caftan, and also chides everyone for swearing.  She also speaks to the importance of forgiveness. Sigh. That is so relevant to my life GEORGETTE YOU ARE AMAZING!!

The surprise that came to the party was an Indian healer- I secretly hoped she was gonna be like the e-cigarette smoking psychic Allison DuBois from real housewives of bev hills, but I can’t have everything. 

Everyone asks questions about other people, and very predictable things, Cameran is gonna have kids, Shep will never get married, and Landon has a soulmate in the room. She also said that Whitney will have a child, which LOL with who?! His wackadoo British girlfriend now making her THIRD appearance on this program?! LORT. Whitney announces Kathryn wants to make amends and naturally, Landon FLIPS OUT. You can’t get rid of Kathryn that easily, huns.

Whitney then asks the PSYCHIC about it, and she’s like uhh, can’t compute, psychic powers dwindling. Cameran is telling these bitches to stay out of it, and of course Craig and Landon start yelling about it. “Words are words, actions are actions”- thanks for the wise words, Landy.

“Naomie, support me while I meddle in everyone’s business.”- Craig, probably.

“We need to stay out of their business!”- Cameran, while Craig and Shep both respectively GOSH’D together. Those two are THE meddlers.

NEXT WEEK!! Cameran & Kathryn meet! Elizabeth gives Kathryn the letter Thomas has written in response! I CAN’T WAIT!!!

“THIS IS NOT SHANGRI-LA, CRAIG- IT’S A RENTAL PROPERTY”: southern charm recap 5/8

WELCOME TO SOUTHERN CHARM!!

I almost missed the first few minutes because I found a spider my cat refused to kill, and got pen on my sheets. COOL. C’MON, EPISODE SIX, LET’S. GET. SICKENING.

enjoy my RPDR reference.

“I don’t want the party that is life to end.” This is Shep’s response to receiving a phone call from his doctor that his liver is inflamed, because of his hard partying ways. Well if you don’t want the party to end, stop guzzling buttery nipples with every University of South Carolina sorority sister within a 5 foot radius of you, Sheppy poo! I promise, it’ll be for the best.

CHAUNCEHHHHHHH!!! Patricia in a jewel-toned caftan telling Whitney she wants to plan a dinner party to bring Landon & Thomas together. (gross, but I also support everything Patricia does…even this. not really. ew)

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my prince.
Cameran & Craig tour a house together, and Craig is being particular AF. Within seconds he turned from newbie realtor to Million Dollar Property Agent perusing a cliffside home in Malibu. “This is not Shangri-La, Craig…it’s a rental property.” Cameran calls him “caviar taste with a vienna sausage budget,” to which I say, same.

Craig complains to Cameron how Naomie isn’t his “yes” man, saying “she just wants me to focus on just one thing”- so like, what a normal person does? Maybe an overachiever has two things? Meanwhile, Craig wants to be a gardener/seamstress/realtor/charity organizer/carpenter/lawyer.

Kathryn is hitting Shep up! partytimeexcellent. They plan to go to a yoga class, or Shep invites himself to Kathryn’s yoga class. I love that Kathryn is spending most of the season driving around in her Isuzu/Subaru/Jeep midsize suv vehicle and talking on speakerphone.

Chelsea & Austen are OUT on the town, and they go to a joint which looks like it’s in a rusted barn, but I’m sure that’s the appeal of it. They are there to do some beer tasting, which literally sounds like the worst date on the planet. “I don’t think there’s anyone who doesn’t like beer, they just haven’t had the right one yet.” Watching this date makes me sick to my stomach- I can’t deal with the fermented liquid bread juice, personally, so the answer to that is ME, Austen. I don’t like beer. (But I can down a blue moon if ABSOLUTELY necessary.)

HAHAHAHAH THAT FUCKIN VOODOO DOLL IS BACK AND CAMERAN HAS BROUGHT IT TO A RESTAURANT. This is giving me serious Will & Grace vibes when Jack would bring his Cher doll to restaurants.

Amazing. Anyway, there’s a dog corpse buried behind the voodoo doll, aaand this lunch is the weirdest.

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i cannot stop laughing.
Cameran then gifts Shep with his own creepy af doll that looks like a colorless, faceless test driver dummy, and says “Pull down the pants- it’s anatomically correct.” Shep then does so to reveal the most horrific little doll pee pee i have EVER seen and ever want to see in my whole life. Ay carumba.

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who is she
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parental guidance recommended.
It’s dinner time! Patricia is in a royal blue caftan, and she’s setting up her dinner party with Whitney & Michael- classic. iconic. legendary. place cards. “With these kids- Whitney’s friends- I can just go to Costco & buy all the liquor”- SHE’S A THRIFTY QUEEN Y’ALL.

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LEGENDS ONLY
OH MY F U C K IN GOD CRAIG IS EMBROIDERING GIZMO ON A PILLOW CASE. I AM DECEASED. Naomie is laughing at him, and then he got mad because he wants her to be her “ride or die.”

Cameran comes to the Altschul residence, and finds out that Patricia is essentially throwing this dinner party to set Landon & Thomas up. Lordt. Landon is in a mustard mumu, and Thomas TOTALLY knows the purpose of this party is to set he & Landon up, and loves that shit. Whitney calls Landon’s fuck bud “dumb” and a “bimbo,” and she continues to flit through this conversation remaining unlikeable.

Kathryn comes to her yoga class, becoming one with her chi, etc. etc. Then SHEP comes in, and he’s already sweating. LOLOLOL SHEP @ YOGA. I appreciate his effort. Sort of. Kathryn really seems to have calmed down a lot since rehab, and even since last week with Jennifer Snowden, but let’s see how long this lasts.

Austen is back with his parents at the same restaurant he was with them in the first episode of this show. Austen’s mom is a fireCRACKER, and gets shit done, and I like her immediately. His parents basically tell him to get his shit together. Cool.

KENSIE RAVENEL IS HERE TO PARTY AT THE SIP & SEE! Papa Ravenel is running to see Landon ugh. Baby Snowden is a precious miracle baby! I will say, Shep holding a baby is a sight to behold. Perf angel Naomie shows up to the party Craig-less, commenting that  “he wasn’t ready, so I left him”- THATTAGIRL NAOMIE! TAME YOUR STRAY DOG!! OMg. Shep holding Kenzie. I’m weak.

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about done with craig’s bullshit.
Lil Jennifer Snowden goes and TELLS CRAIG THAT THEY’RE TALKING SHIT ABOUT HIM, and Craig harps about loyalty- hey Craig, I found your new best friend Caroline Stanbury- you two can undyingly have each other’s backs despite problematic behaviors stemming from both parties. But really, Jennifer Snowden? Don’t you have bigger fish to fry than peep-a-leeping into people’s personal business?

Jennifer & Thomas have a heart to heart about their kids, and how Kathryn equally hates them, and she says “just don’t bring any random chicks around the kids”- as Landon walks up HAHAHAH. Well done, Bravo, well done.

The passive aggressive couple known as Naomie & Craig are fighting in front of party guests, and I’m nervous. MOM & DAD R FIGHTING.

“I’m literally dating a teenage girl”- LORD CRAIG. IF SHE’S A TEENAGE GIRL, YOU ARE A 5TH GRADE. He literally just told his girlfriend “child, you can speak.” But the good thing about Naomie is that she will cut a bitch and it’s so satisfying to watch! I LOVE YOU GIRL!!!!

Craig then continues to drag his girlfriend through the mud as she continues to try to mend relationships with this group of people. She was pretty upset she didn’t get invited to dinner at Patricia’s house, and loves being in that group, but Craig has definitely isolated himself out of that group since taking Kathryn’s side last season.

That’s pretty much it! Lots of arguing between  Naomie & Shep, and Patricia is now officially a matchmaker for Thomas & Landon- AMAZING.

Sidenote: Im officially 2 minutes into Southern Charm: Savannah and I fuckin hate it and everyone’s ugly. Perf.

BYEEEEEEEEeEEEEE

“JUST TRY NOT DRINKING FOR MAYBE A WEEK.”- southern charm recap 5/1

COME ON, EPISODE FIVE, LET’S GET…LANDON OUT OF HERE! But really- welcome to the episode 5 recap! We left off with Shep being sad at his own birthday party because Austen was being a grownup and initiating a relationship with Chelsea, even though Cameran was trying to get Shep & Chelsea together- you snooze, you loose, Shep!

“Landon might be just the sort of lady Thomas has been looking for all along”- bITCH

“Craig is working on….UMMMMM *cues Gizmo*”

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We open with Cameran and her mom visiting Larry the doll maker, and explains her weird phase where she wanted to be a white witch as a child- she dyed her hair purple and did spells in the woods- CAMERAN IS A FUCKIN LEGEND.

cameran
cameran dis u?
“White magic is positive!!”- lol yas Cameran.

Some CREEPY FUCKIN ASS BABY DOLL named Mama Estelle is chosen by Cameran- or is Cameran chosen by the doll?! I’m officially weirded out. But this makes me love Cameran even more- it shows more to her than just her monogram wearing, Mercedes speakerphone self.

“I don’t really have athletic shorts, but I’m a country club all-star”- SHEP is back again in full force, ready to confront Austen on the b-ball court. Not with his athletic prowess, but by the hot goss he knows about Austen & Chelsea! Thank you, Bravo, for the official scoreboard in the top left corner. Obviously, Shep wins because he’s trying really, really hard because Austen just stole his girl, and cue Bravo producers for showing 5 minutes of Shep panting and hyperventilating after playing a light game of basketball.

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the strug is rill.
“She’s probably not my type anyway” *cue the flashback of Shep saying “I LIKE HER”*

Ok Shep, whatever reassures your ego.

Back to the old boy’s club! Whitney & T.Rav!!

“I’m Mr. Mom.”- Thomas.

You know what, Thomas? A little bit of effort from you is all it takes to earn some respect! Not just dumping your kids into your guest house with the nanny! You go Thomas! Change those diapers! Okay, then he immediately goes into how his pants “accentuate his ass,” and now I’m ill again. He also proclaims he doesn’t like women with baggage, even though he went to jail for selling drugs in office- C O O L.

Jennifer & Kathryn are now meeting up- I totally understand both sides of the argument with these two women. Jennifer’s baby almost didn’t survive, and she didn’t hear a peep from Kathryn, but after everything Thomas did to Kathryn AND Jennifer, Jennifer still seemed to take Thomas’s side at the last reunion, or at least accepted a tissue from him. There’s still a little bit of tension between the two women, but nothing too dramatic.

I AM SHVITZING! Craig Conover yelps happily when his sewing machine came in the mail at the house- Craig is so damn endearing, everything he does I find adorable and lovable.

JENNIFER & KATHRYN ARE @ LUNCH!

As much as I usually take Kathryn’s side on everything, I truly feel for Jennifer in this moment- her poor baby makes me so sad. 😦 Kathryn is really skilled at cutting people out of her life, and as much as she thinks Jennifer is “manipulating” her, just give it a rest for two seconds Kathryn!

YA GIRL SHEP is back on the phone with his mom & dad who are vacationing in the Hamptons, telling his parents that he had a doctor’s appointment because of his “breathing heavy on the courts” incident. His dad had a heart attack around Shep’s age, so I totally get the concern, but it’s also the whole “drinking every single night acting like you’re 20 years old” lifestyle that’s dragging you down, Shep!

Landon & Austen are hanging out, and I die for her stage whisper that “some places aren’t Roam-worthy!” Well, since her website isn’t even functioning, nothing is Roam-worthy, girl!

Landon says something about a saying she had in ASPEN, and I rolled my eyes and vomited simultaneously.

OMG IS CRAIG MAKING CLOTHES FOR GIZMO!? I am literally dead. Craig, if my queen Naomie doesn’t marry you, I EFFING WILL- even though I don’t speak french or have an MBA and I’m not super rich. Oh well.

T.Rav’s white pants are making a return!! He’s drinking alone with cuts to items in his home, and he calls up el chupacabra, LANDON. She offers to lunch with him, and he says a “day date” is being put in the friend zone- ugh.

Sheppy Shep is at the doctor’s now! “I need to make some life changes.” Uh, to say the least. He goes to Thomas’s doctor, because clearly that doctor has seen worse shit on Mr. Ravenel. We get to listen to Shep’s medical questionnaire, which reads like an autopsy report- stunning. I wonder if Shep’s doctor is going to tell him he’s fine and just out of shape in this appointment, but he ends up doing the classic doctor-y things in order to justify Shep’s feelings- lol.

“Do you have Patron Silver?”- Welcome to part two in this episode of, “Is Landon A Secret Bougie-Ass Bitch!?” Landon is now talking shit about her nice and hot but dumb boyfriend, and basically talking herself up to be Mrs. Ravenel, for the 18th time this season. I. Can’t. Deal. With. These. People.

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literally kill me.
Back with my sweet Craig bb- “I’m a good guy, I’m faithful, I know how to do a bunch of random weird stuff.” I love nothing more than him & Naomie together! Even though he doesn’t have his shit together- spoiler: he passed the bar now, so he can be a bougie lawyer but also garden & sew too! WHAT A DREAM. He makes a cute dinner for Naomie, and in true ladylike fashion, she is thankful and happy, even though she’s low-key annoyed he’s a dumb dumb.

Oh god, he’s gonna start a clothing line?! COME AWNNNNN. There’s a difference between being a supportive girlfriend and being an ignorant supporter of all your nutso dreams, Craig! Who do you think you are, Lisa Rinna!? YOU FUCKIN WISH BRUH. Ay carumba. Ok, now Craig is calling Naomie dumb, which is like p r e t t y rude, since you’re being the dumbest of dumb, Craig!!

Next week looks like Cameran casting her magic spells on Shep’s love life, Shep trying to do yoga, and Craig being a petty little bitch, and Naomie taking NONE of his shit. That’s my girl.

SEE U NEXT WEEK XOXO

DREAM GIRLS & PARTY PANTS: southern charm recap 4/24

YAS YAS YAS! It’s that time of week again!!! SOUTHERN CHARM BABY!!!! I thought since Vanderpump Rules has ended, Southern Charm would move up to the 8 o’clock spot for my old lady ass, but this does not seem to be the case. NEVERTHELESS, I am here with my recap of this week’s episode, titled SHEPWRECKED. I love that Shep’s birthday falls during filming every year, leaving us with timeless classics like his rollerblading birthday that Landon planned (HAHA) to this year’s charter boat party. I’m a little sad Bravo didn’t use this as an opportunity to cross-promote a “Below Deck” episode, but hey, you can only do so much.

We open to Thomas talking about Landon, PER USUAL- the producers are doing a stunning job by connecting every episode to the season premiere, where we saw a flash forward to 3 months later when Landon and Thomas seem to be beginning a new official relationship, because Thomas keeps saying garbage in every episode, like “Landon is the whole package.” ay carumba.

Austen is picking up a phone call from Chelsea as he goes to pick her up for Thomas’s polo match, and we see she is saved in his phone as “DREAM GIRL,” which is honestly precious. As much Austen is set up as a player like Shep, you can really see he has a little bit more heart than Shep, or at least shows a little bit more heart. We LOVE Shep, of course, but he is very guarded, and masks his feelings with being “over it,” or annoyed, as we see at the episode’s end. Chelsea tells Austen she’s made out with Shep already, but “I still think he’s an idiot,” she says. U RITE GIRL U RITE.

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precious.

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when Cameran finds out Austen & Chelsea are frenching
Also at the polo match, we see Whitney BALKING at the mere sight of a child and/or infant around him, which was hilarious. Landon was totally Ginnifer Goodwin in “He’s Just Not That Into You,” in the scene she thinks she the co-host of Justin Long’s house party, running around and offering everyone drinks- “We got some hooch in the back!”- Craig comments on how she is fitting into the role of Mrs. Ravenel pretty well- VOM.

HERE COME THE RAVENEL BABIES! Kenzie is screaming for her Daddy as her nanny pushes her & her brother by in their double stroller, only to be met with the cold shoulder from Thomas. Craig whispers to Thomas, “Go give Kenzie a kiss she was screaming Daddy.” Thomas basically responds with “well, can’t please everyone”– YOU WORKED SO HARD TO GET THOSE KIDS AWAY FROM THEIR MOTHER, YOU BETTER FUCKING PLEASE THEM, S I R. I honestly cannot with this man. I was right there with Craig in this instance. Cameran comes to Thomas’s defense after the fact to Craig, saying he has “created a healthy. safe environment for them.” Even though that is true, they live in a separate house from either of their real parents, with basically just their nanny taking care of them. Even though those babies will have a ton of money, they need some damn parents!

Kathryn and Craig meet for lunch, and their briefly touch on the relationship between Thomas and Landon- “Landon has wanted and pursued, behind the scenes, a relationship with Thomas,” says Kathryn. I AGREE GIRL. I cannot wait for this argument to rise to the top of this season, because honestly it’s my favorite drama of this show.

The rest of the episode was Shep’s birthday!!!! It was a little boring to be honest- the most interesting thing was the exchanges between Shep and Chelsea, Shep and Cameran, and Cameran and Chelsea at Shep’s party. Austen and Chelsea have a cute conversation on the boat, and about how they want to see each other more. Cameran is still a little bummed that her major plan of getting Chelsea and Shep together is failing. Shep was in an AMAZING pair of pants, and all of his friends were in a rainbow of pastel colored button downs, including Austen. Whitney brought that psycho English girl Daisy that he also brought to Landon’s party, who was as messy as ever.

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pastel white man daydream

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when Shep doesn’t know how to appropriately convey his feelings
Cameron’s heart to heart with Shep included her saying “Do you wanna be a 55-year-old man and not have shoelaces?” with an immediate cut to drunk Thomas, in shoes with no shoelaces, strewn across a deck chair on the ship. Thomas continues to say awkward things, Landon continues to awkwardly respond, and I continue to vomit all over myself. I love the drama associated with these two, but it also wants me to crawl out of my skin and just let my skeleton run free to escape the awkwardness.

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WHERE UR SHOELACES @ T.RAV
That’s basically it! Naomie and Cameran also had a little heart to heart about Craig not having his shit together, and Chelsea cut Shep’s hair, but both scenes were boring so it only gets a footnote here! Next week’s episode looks like Shep will finally confront Austen about stealing his girl- but I’m still dying for the Kathryn & Cameran convo that comes later this season- I. LOVE. THIS. SHOW.

see you next week XOXOXO

CHARCUTERIE & MULLETS: southern charm 4/17 recap

EP 3 EP 3!!!!!!

This show has been so good already this season, and hasn’t let us down with the dramz. I love when Landon is villianized, so I’m still riding that wave from last week.

We open on a white man (Austen? Shep? T.Rav?) running by the river. Also, why does T.Rav have plastic lime green glasses? Aren’t you rich?

Cameran & her hot trainer Joe start working out, and ya girl Chelsea shows up. “I basically live off of gas station food”- but you’re rich and skinny, Cameran, so clearly something is working, ok?

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We find out that Chelsea & Shep had a “sleepover”, but nothing happened, which is SHOCKING. Unless Chelsea is lying, but her & Cameran are best friends, so I don’t really think that’s the case. Live your truth, girl!

Craiggy & Landon get lunch, including a cheese & charcuterie plate, then Landon says “I never know how to say that right hehehehe”- to which I say, DON’T YOU ONLY HANG OUT WITH BILLIONAIRES?! LEARN HOW TO SAY THE NAME FOR A PLATE OF FANCY SLICED MEATS, GODDAMMIT. The first appearance of my queen Naomie via phone, and Craig doesn’t know what the name of a paparazzo background is (step & repeat).

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Naomie & her Louis Vuitton neverfull (ugh queen) shows up at Shep’s house for donations for her charity event. Shep’s pouring wine into assorted glass & plasticware for her, and they gossip about Landon and what a disaster Craig is.

“I think she gets a little ahead of herself and needs to get knocked down a couple of pegs”

I don’t agree with Shep that often, but when I do- I DO. He is so right.

At lunch, Craig & Landon bond over Shep bullying them. We also see Shep & Naomie talking about the situation last week at Landon’s website party, and how he made her cry. In Shep’s mind, he is doing them all a favor by being brutally honest with them. I think for Landon, telling her this information IS beneficial, and Shep is just being the helpful third party. Should he have told her what those guys said about her at a party in her honor? Maybe not, but I personally would have appreciated him telling me what other people were saying about me. When it comes to Craig, however, Shep is basically chiding him for lying about the bar exam, about law school, and basically making it impossible for Craig to get back into his good graces. Good grief.

QUEEEEEEN PATRICIA, gliding around in her pastel caftan in her pastel room, packing her Louis Vuitton suitcase, quoting Oscar Wilde- what an iconic legend. Patricia’s butler Michael is on vacation, so she has to do all her manual labor herself- stay strong, girl!

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Kathryn Dennis is trying to get back into action as a model, and we see her at a modeling agency, showing off her high school modeling photos. In short, the lady tells her these modeling pics are too old, and that maybe she should get her kids into her modeling game too! Since she can only see them under supervision at the moment, maybe giving that whole situation a little bit of time before shilling your babies out as models would be most beneficial- BUT THAT’S JUST ME. I love Kathryn, and I’m so happy she’s doing better.

OF COURSE LANDON AND T.RAV BACK TOGETHER- I fuckin CAN’T WITH THESE TWO. They are casually day drinking at Chez Ravenel, and T.Rav has personalized cocktail napkins, and that’s actually pretty amazing. Screen Shot 2017-04-18 at 1.19.26 PMWe see a bunch of flashbacks from last season when Landon felt nervous to be around Thomas because of what everyone thought, and because everyone accused her of sleeping with Thomas. “Companionship is what I’m after”- K LANDON. Basically, watching Thomas & Landon flirting and her little cackle makes me want to gouge my own ear drums out, BASICALLY, but that’s just me. I will say, the sexual tension between T.Rav and Landon is PALPABLE, and I guess you can’t fight that feeling sometimes, so ehhhhhhh I guess go for it? (yikesyikesyikesyikes).

We come back to Naomie & Craig, and he’s flipping out on her because she’s telling him to be responsible- goddammit, Craig, just do it! She is getting her MBA and you didn’t even finish law school! Get it together! Naomie told Craig about the conversation she had with Shep, and Craig of course freaks out. “Even if I’m wrong, have my back.” Craig, Naomie was being a GROWN UP, and if anything, its nice to have a partner that will steer you in the right direction, and I wish you were able to see how lucky you are!

The gang of undesirables show up at a place with a liquor license- Austen, T.Rav, Shep, and some insane looking guy with a poncho and a mullet (I wish I was kidding). They all get some kind of mule (I’ve never heard of a Mexican Mule before – what is it?) ((update: I googled it and ehhhh patron & ginger beer I could never))Screen Shot 2017-04-18 at 1.35.33 PMwho/what/where/when/why is this PERSON

They all sing Landon’s praises, and Austen asked if “anyone has tested the waters,” and T.Rav thinks Shep is in love with her- LOLOLOL NEVER OK.

We then find in the final hour, Craig has gotten the step & release (hahaha) in the final hour, but then his printer stops working in the final hour, surprise surprise- CRAIG, THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T WAIT UNTIL THE LAST SECOND TO DO SHIT.

Patricia’s house is in disarray because Michael is gone, and nobody knows how to do chores. Cameran & Whitney have T.Rav on speaker, and Thomas says “I need to find a real woman”- NO SHIT, and perhaps someone in your age bracket!!

We then cut to Naomie preparing for the fundraiser at Republic, juxtaposed with Craig not being able to print anything at home, and Gizmo essentially laughing at him with his eyes. Gizmo is my favorite character this season.Screen Shot 2017-04-18 at 1.42.14 PMan appreciation post.

“YOU’RE NOT GETTING FUCKED YA FUCKED YASELF” – TELL HIM NAOMIE! Hopefully this is the last time she lets her boyfriend “help” her with her events.Screen Shot 2017-04-18 at 1.43.49 PM

UGH NAOMIE IS FRENCH!? AND FLUENT IN FRENCH!!! AND TALKING SHIT ABOUT CRAIG IN FRENCH!!! Cant she be my best friend? I took 5 years of basic French and went to France and St. Maarten once, so I’m basically the best novice ever. Landon has a hair chain in (yikes) but her dress is bomb, so good job Landon.

Speaking about her side piece, Landon judgtngly says “I’m not even sure he has a real job”- LANDON, DO YOU HAVE A REAL JOB?!

Shep told Whitney that he boned Chelsea, and Cameran and Whitney are working through it. Cameran also called Whitney a “sick freak,” which I love. Naomie’s mom looks like Yolanda Hadid, and Craig can’t say 15 in French- IT’S QUINZE, YOU UNCULTURED SWINE.

Chelsea & Cameran hash it out, so we are confirming Chelsea & Shep did indeed not sleep together.

Craig’s random friend says “from the internet he looks like a great gardener,” which is honestly the best thing ever.Screen Shot 2017-04-18 at 1.52.24 PM(lol at this screen grab)

Austen & Chelsea are chatting in the corner, as Austen’s sweaty hair sticks to his forehead. I don’t know if it’s good editing, but I feel like Austen comes across as slightly less of an asshole than Shep, so I feel like he is somewhat respectable for the time being. Austen’s gets Chelsea’s digits! Oh dang!

Next week is Austen & Chelsea’s hangout, the Landon & T.Rav saga continues, and Shep learns about Austen & Chelsea! OH DAAAANG. I love this show so much.

SEE U NEXT WEEK!