“I EAT LIKE ROSEANNE”- Southern Charm Recap Season 5 Episode 2

Welcome back! It’s time for the shitshow party to begin!

The girls are all in the car on their way to the party, talking shit about JD, and Chelsea says “I’ll be single for life”- bitch, me too! Of course, Thomas is old AF and has no chill, so he & Ashley are the first ones to this party, lingering in the corner at this literally empty backyard. Cameran and Craig are snooping on the second story balcony, watching the drama unfold.

“Do NOT- let go of my hand!” – Ashley whisper yells to T.Rav as Kathryn walks in.

So now there’s three split couples sneaking around the party trying to avoid each other- Craig & Naomie, Thomas & Kathryn, and Austen & Chelsea- amazing.

Kathryn lays eyes on Ashley once they walk into the party, and they end up all hanging out in the kitchen, where Ashley attempts to make some small talk. “I don’t know- she seems dumb as a rock.”- Kathryn- LOL!!

T.Rav then plays with Ashley’s belly button in front of everyone, and I am literally on the verge of dry heaving. TO MAKE THINGS BETTER, JD SHOWS UP! This party is giving me a pit.

Everyone is awkwardly crammed into the kitchen while Cameran is sitting at the table, alone, pigging out.

“I eat like….Roseanne.”

JD awkwardly comes out to sit with Cameran because he knows everyone else hates him,

“Its nice having boobs for the first time in my life, never experienced that before- sad they are going to be tea bags in a few months..” -CAMERAN ALWAYS HAS THE ZINGERS!

Kathryn goes to say hi to T.Rav,  in the same pair of wrinkly white jeans, and he tells her he has already hired a new nanny without consulting Kathryn. Sad that T.Rav will never take Kathryn’s feelings into account ever ever ever!

HERE COMES ASHLEY STOMPING IN “hikathryniknowsomuchaboutyouiknowyoudontknowanythingaboutme”

Kathryn meanwhile is like -_- “Sorry I’m a little caught off guard because I didn’t know you had a girlfriend” ..a w k w a r d!

“I think 38 is one of those ages where you should take some time for introspection” – lol k Shep this isn’t your 21st birthday my dude.

“Even though we aren’t dating anymore if Craig dates another girl I’d still want to kill her and her family” HAHA Naomie with these quips is giving me so much life! Give her the center…peach or whatever the Southern Charm housewives prop would be. A bourbon? A sewing machine? I’ll get back to you on this.

Naomie then is disgusted by JD and his cackle at the party..and just being around him in general. (look out for disgusted Naomie pics later)

Craig is crying about seeing Naomie to Cameran, T.Rav and Ashley go bone in Shep’s bathroom, probably.  Cameran should start charging for psychology appointments. Shep, Craig, and Cameran can FUCKING HEAR Ashley & T.Rav fucking- so disgusting.

Naomie has had enough of JD talking about his shitty marriage, and wants to basically pound his face in.

JD: What do you want me to do?                                                                                                 Naomie: Be a better husband.

Naomie then goes on to say his ex-wife calls Naomie all the time, she has to take care of Elizabeth, JD is a piece of shit, etc. etc. Then pretty much all the girls drag him for filth and it’s pretty wild to watch!!

“The Good Ol’ Boy system is dying.” – idk Shep & Austen are still alive, well, & have no jobs, so…

Austen is playing dumb, but he’s actually dumb, so…girl bye.

“I guess because I wasn’t born in Charleston, I was born in France..I can speak the truth”- YES BITCH DRAG THAT LIL NUGGET TO FILTH. QUEEN NAOMIEEEE!

Then Craig & Naomie are having a moment by the bar, and Naomie cried a lil bit.

The next morning, Kathryn & Naomie hash it out at the kitchen table, and Naomie basically wants to cry whenever Craig is nice to her, which isn’t crazy often- I secretly want them to get back together, because I love them so much. Craig is an idiot, but I think having Naomie in his life truly makes him better. If he could just whine a tiny bit less and get his shit together, I think that it would improve things exponentially.

The final scene is T.Rav and Ashley at dinner together, and Thomas is marveling at how nice Kathryn was to him at that party. Then, the montage of T.Rav and Kathryn throughout the years set to a soft piano was v emotional, leaving Ashley like wtf…why did I move here for you? “If she was sweet & nice, I would still be with her!” Yikes!

The preview for next week looks crazy! Liz is like “JD & I are fine” and Naomie is like “WTF,” Naomie yells at Craig, and Cameran has a baby shower! CAN’T WAIT!

See you next week!! xoxo

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