“CAN I PUT A PAPER PLATE IN THE OVEN?”- Southern Charm Recap Season 5 Episode 1

AHHH!!!

Southern Charm is back which means…I’M BACK!!! Season 5 babaaaay! It’s going to be so exciting!! This time last year, I left my job, started a new job which ended up being terrible, so I dragged my sorry ass back into my old job in January, and I’ve been livin’ the good life ever since! You truly do not know how green your grass is until you leave and go to the metaphorical equivalent of a trash heap, but the trash is on fire. Clearly inspiration is not my forte, but luckily, I think talking about Southern Charm ~is my forte, so let’s get started!

What we know from last season and the interim is that Shep had an actually good dating show on Bravo, RelationShep, and ended up with a girl who was way too young for him but simultaneously more mature than him, Bella, but their relationship has since ended. T.Rav has a new girlfriend who is a nurse, who looks like a prettier employed version of Landon- fun!

We open the show with a fancy Christmas party, and our girl Kathryn is screaming at Ashley, T.Rav’s new girlfriend, while T.Rav looks on…or stares off into space…or imagines the two girls making out in his head- all make sense.

*THREE MONTHS AGO*

A very pregnant Cameran rolls herself out of bed, which was not unlike what I experienced this morning (I went to a jazz funk dance class two days ago and am literally still d e d from the neck down, thanks for asking), then shots of Patricia admiring a huge ring she has, Shep going through the Chik-fil-a drive through, Kathryn sage-ing her home, and T.Rav in white jeans with no underwear taking his kids to school- fun!

Shep brings Chik-fil-a over to Cameran’s house while she sits in bed which is 1) my dream (despite that I am 0 months pregnant) 2) actually very sweet and endearing for Shep to do. Shep explains the breakup with Bella, and how she and her friends all went home “at 11 PM” when they were out in NYC, which is definitely not Shep’s style. His quest for a girl who’s a party monster but also someone who has their master’s in fine english literature continues! Also, he goes to say that he is “young” to which Cameran immediately cuts him off- ta daaa today is Shep’s 38th birthday!!! You’re officially old my dude!

We then go to Kathryn with her dip dyed blonde/red hair, and Danni comes over to hang. Kathryn has a god awful bruise on her arm from all the drug tests that she’s done in her conquest to get more custody of her kids. I feel so bad for her, especially since T.Rav just has the nanny take care of the kids (who has since been fired on Kathryn’s request- child custody shit is WILD).

T.Rav has sold his fancy downtown house that he had exiled his children to the guest house in, and has purchased a home that they can all live in- Dad of the year! We then see Ashley, T.Rav’s new girl, who looks like a FaceTuned photograph of Landon. Thomas has a wispy fringe bang, and makes a sex joke that his nanny has to awkward listen to- incredible.

Next up was my KWEEN Naomie, who comes to see Chelsea at her hair salon to get her hair done. This is juxtaposed with Craig in a pink polo moving his stuff into a dilapidated home. Shocker- Naomie & Craig broke up! After his embarrassing shenanigans last season combined with her poise, grace, & well-timed disses, we all saw this coming. Craig has turned this home into a *sIcK* bachelor pad with his friend Sean who had also gotten dumped, and they are living the high life.

“I don’t wanna say this like I’m excited, but hell ya we going out tonight!” – Chelsea & Naomie are both single now, so it’s gonna b lit in Charleston!

The idea of having all my best girls on this show all being single together and living it up in Charleston is amazing!

Chelsea then talks about how Austen & her aren’t together anymore, and how he tried to come over after a night out at like 3 am to try to bone down with Chelsea, and she basically was like f this shit! Austen was so sweet last year, so this is sad to see. Also, Austen is also unemployed (HOT!), and the montage of him doing nothing all week showed him fulling dRoPpInG an oreo into a glass of milk, only to have to scrounge around in the milk to fish it out- disgusting! Austen also awkwardly dated one of Chelsea’s friends- yikes! (Also, if he says “the door is ajar” one more time,I’m gonna lose it.)

Austen & Shep meet up to hash out their single-ness and unemployed-ness, and I’m snoozing over here- where’s Patricia at!?

Be careful for what you wish for! Here’s Whitney in his red adidas tracksuit like a dollar store Armie Hammer, getting some lunch with Shep. Whitney reveals that his mother has a “gentleman caller,” and in cuts a scene where Patricia has a fucking HUGE ring on her finger- there is no way it is possibly real! Then Whitney says the first time this happened, he was in school in England and received a telegram. This scene only reveals more that both Patricia and Whitney are 400 years old, and are somehow just living forever, switching out bodies like in skeleton key.

Then we see JD & T.Rav, still in white pants. It shows news articles that JD had been dodging rent the entire time his restaurant Gentry, was open- shady! And it turns out JD & Elizabeth have separated! Escandalo! Sounds like a shitstorm!

Craig & Shep are getting meats for his bday party, and they wax poetic about how they are friends now, but also how T.Rav, his new GF, and Kathryn are all invited to his birthday party, which could totally end in a shitstorm.

It’s party time! They are setting up the party with Shep’s party planner, and Craig reveals the embroidered apron that he has made for Shep- adorable!! Cut to about 25 minutes of Shep, Craig, & Austen bickering about smoked meats and appetizers- I cannot deal.

T.Rav’s girlfriend is trying on the Lilly Pulitzer Spring 2017 collection prints while Thomas drools over her- annoying- but it will certainly be interesting to see how they handle things at this party.

The only pregame worth going to starts at Naomie’s house- Kathryn, Naomie, Danni, & Chelsea all head over to pop some bottles before this shitshow of a birthday party. The best part of this meeting is Naomie busting out her fluent french when correcting someone calling the sparkling water LA CROY..*shudders* They then talk about Shep and his condom use- omg omg omg lol. Kathryn said Shep made her shower before they boned because she had a spray tan on, and also because Shep is a goddamn monster! The girls all talk shit about JD and how alike he is to Shep, even though he’s a secret d-bag! I cannot wait to see how all of this pans out.

T.Rav is like, so dazzled by the tank top and shorts Ashley is wearing to this party, to which I say she is cute, but that look is not impressing another girl- it is basic. Craig, Austen & Shep force the poor bartender to attempt to smoke their meats because none of them know what they’re doing, and they’re all screaming at each other- amazing. I feel like 80% of this show is Craig whining while he’s wearing an apron.

The girls all talk about women empowerment, they play a horror movie version of the theme song, and everyone is on their way to the party…

TO BE CONTINUED!!

omg omg this show is so dramatic already and I can’t wait!!! I can’t wait for the drama to unfold!!! I wonder if Ashley will be cool? (lol probably not) I wonder if Chelsea & Austen will get together? I wonder if Landon will have her baby this season? I wonder if Patricia will get married again on air? SO MANY QUESTIONS!!

Anyway, thanks for reading! See you next week!

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