“BEACH TOWNS ARE THE ONLY THING I’M GOOD AT” – southern charm recap 6/19

YASSS EP 12 BABIEZZZZZ!! This season has been phenomenal, and honestly has been a shining point in what has been a ROUGH couple of months- thank you my sweet @andy for this beautiful distraction. Anyway, this episode is gonna be spectacular!! I’m ready for some Landon whining, and for Kathryn and Cameran to bond!! BRING IT ON!

My boy gizmo straight chillin on the couch while Craig makes Cameran some baby clothes- timeless. Shep shows up to Chelsea’s house,  because she’s the QUEEN OF LEADING MEN ON. Shep apologizes for macking on her in the bar, and she says Shep made her feel like “one of those girls,” and he admitted to liking her at one point. Then they have a very vague conversation about what would have been if she had known he liked her-  awk. She then mentions Austin, and he erm erm erms his way out of it.

CAMERAN AND KATHRYN YAAAA! Cameran considers this her last blast before becoming a mom, and Kathryn is dazzling in winter white. Cameran then describes her husband as a baby looking like an “albino baby possum”- Jesus, Cameran! Way to not sugarcoat it at all. Then Cameran tells Kathryn that Landon expects an apology from her before they go to Key West- cut to Landon’s garbled voice on the phone lolzzzz. Then Kathryn tells Cameran that her and Thomas planned a three day weekend together to some plantation, but they had broken up, and Thomas took Landon on this trip instead. Also, it was on a Valentine’s Day weekend before Saint was conceived, and Thomas told Kathryn this to make her jealous. 

Naomie and Craig are fighting while Gizmo and Naomie cuddle- we know what side he’s chosen. Craig is flipping out because he’s lame and doesn’t do anything, and his girlfriend judges him. Naomie offers him an ultimatum that is basically like don’t be a fuckin asshole or we WILL break up on this trip. Basically. 

time for my closeup.

PATRICIA MY ANGEL! She’s unwrapping her auction finds- that bitch loves an Indian themed artifact. She pulls out a gold encrusted elephant clock to put on her mantle- queen of my life.

boss bitch.

Landon and Thomas are together, and she’s talking shit about Kathryn of COURSE, and doesn’t want to “bring [her]self down to her level”- bitch you are a bottom fucking feeder- nobody goes lower than Landon. She expects an apology from Kathryn which is LAUGHABLE, and is NEVA GONNA HAPPEN. 

Chelsea is meeting Austen’s parents!! Truthfully, I’m a little shook about it. I thought she didn’t want to be in a relationship! And now Chelsea is back pedaling on what she said about Shep to Austen, and is basically defending Shep again- I’m about done with this girl. MAKE UP YOUR MIND!! “You clearly talked to Shep today, and that’s why the narrative is changing”- I’m SO STOKED that Austen is catching onto her ways of just meandering around the truth and what she wants people to think, etc. Basically she broke up the friendship of Shep and Austen, and she has no remorse. RECOGNIZE A GOOD THING WHEN YOU SEE IT, CHELSEA!! Austen is such good people.

Austen’s parents are telling embarrassing stories about him, and Chelsea is being the perfect girl to bring home to the parents, aka she can turn it on when she needs to. That girl is good at telling people what they want to hear, but I want to know what she REALLY wants. 

Everyone’s at the airport- wooooo! Party time! Shep made it to the airport!! Let’s be real he probably didn’t sleep.  Craig & Naomie look pissed and Gizmoless.

Whitney is trying to barter for better rooms OF COURSE, and Austen is a lil mad about he and Chelsea. But then Chelsea signs up for a room with Cameran- escandalo! Everyone is immediately red and moist- WELCOME TO FLORIDA!!! My second home. Kathryn tells Naomie that Landon expects an apology from her, and Naomie says AVOID HER THIS WEEKEND TYSM- wise words from Miss Olindo. Whitney says the phrase “banana hammock,” and I’m about to yartz everywhere. Landon and Jennifer talk shit about Landon, and Cameran calls her out about her secret trip with Thomas!

Landon screams at Chelsea for playing devil’s advocate and siding with Kathryn, and it makes her look like a DAMN FOOL. “I don’t think she’s really that committed to getting her children back.” Those are some fighting fucking words, Landon. Only a real bitch could only think to say that!! She’s not with Thomas anymore, he’s all yours, I don’t know what more Landon feels she’s entitled to in this scenario. 

“BEACH TOWNS ARE THE ONLY THING I’M GOOD AT”- well I figured you were good at pretty much nothing as well, so we are in agreement. 

Landon is drunkenly throwing herself onto Austen, and he’s like -__________- and all the girls are watching in the window. “Should I be worried about that?” – Chelsea. Uhh, idk Chelsea, are you willing to admit you actually like Austen?

If Landon says “codependency at an all-time high” one more time, I’m going to fling myself off the Ravenel bridge.

Shep and Austen are making up kind of. Shep’s peace offering is matching button down dad shirts, and it’s amazing. 

Chelsea asked Kathryn about the drama when they are getting ready, and she says “it’s about Cameran tonight, not me” which is such an amazing sign of her growth. Naomie casually calls Craig out about about the “dip” he has in his pocket- ddaaaang Naomie b savage!

Danni’s fiancé shows up at dinner giving me sugar daddy realness, and Landon yells “I’M GONNA GO BACK TO THE HOTEL THERE’S NOT ENOUGH SEATS” and literally the whole group is rolling their eyes at her- I mean, same, but that old rich guy you’re sitting next to is already engaged. Also, why the f are you drinking bourbon in a Florida?! Get outta here JD (I love ya tho). Everyone is sweaty and frizzy and red, and I’m dying. 

8 margs in, Whitney thinks it’s a good idea for Landon and Kathryn to clear the air- NAWT. Danni is trying to help clear the air between them- bish, where you been all season?! Courting your old ass fiancée?! #bye. Craig is trying to be mediator, and Naomie is like, in the corner dry heaving of embarrassment. Landon is a goddamn banshee, and Kathryn is a poised queen. And Craig is being so fucking annoyingggggggg. But, Landon is actually semi-genuine in this moment, but Landon also blamed Thomas as using her as a pawn against Kathryn- and Thomas is SHOOK. RUH ROH LANDON AND KATHRYN ARE HUGGING. What’s going on?! Kathryn’s interview was SCATHING- “She’s pretty fake- she tried to f Shep, Thomas, and even Austen, and now Cameran knows the real Landon- it’s pretty pathetic.” Kathryn’s monologue deserves a daytime Emmy.

Thomas calls Landon’s apology “self serving,” and to “advance some agenda she has”– wow Thomas has truly flipped the switch on his idea of Landon. I am SHOOKETH. I’m also dying at the flashbacks of this drag bar/strip club they went to in Key West- these damn monsters 😂😂😂 I also love that Landon was all over Shep the night before. The next morning, Landon jumps in and immediately starts defending Kathryn after this apology from the night before, and Thomas is pissed!! How DARE this girl disagree with him?! I brought her an orange rose once! 

THE SEASON FINALE IS NEXT WEEK! It looks like any Kathryn/ Landon drama is sort of over, but Thomas is pissed because Landon isn’t tryna swim up his butthole anymore.   “I want a girl who is privileged and honored to be with me” – K GOOD LUCK THOMAS. Craig is still whining, and Shep and Craig are screaming at each other- shocking. Chelsea is ALL OF A SUDDEN V TERRITORIAL OVER AUSTEN, and yells about him about some other girl lolz- SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! 

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