“EAT, DRINK, & REMARRY.” – southern charm recap 6/5

IT’S EPISODE TEN, Y’ALL!! I am so proud of myself for writing ten weeks in a row, honestly. But my love for Southern Charm keeps me going strong, and I have a newfound affinity for taking screenshots of the show on my iPad to use in daily iMessage conversations.

AWhen we left last week, Landon was crying about walking her dog alone, and Kathryn & Thomas had exchanged letters and reached some sort of truce. We start off at Saint’s birthday party! AHH! Kathryn is at Saint’s party!!! Kathryn & Thomas make small talk, and everyone is silently screaming. “You guys dress him so well” is the saddest sentiment that a Mom can say about her own child. Poor Kathryn. JD SHOWS UP! The great uniter!! Naomie! Craig! Snowden! Chelsea! Dang, Saint has the whole crew rolling in. The only one missing is Andy Cohen, to be honest. Jennifer Snowden is still butt hurt because Kathryn doesn’t want to be friends with her, and Cameran hates on the haircut that Chelsea gave Shep while Austen seethes in the background.

GOD LOVE HER, but miss Pat Altschul is a little bit of a hater, and dips out during Saint’s bday song. I’m sure it was crazy editing, because she is quite the lady, but they made it out to be a very blunt dip out. The only thing missing at this party is….LANDON. Thank god, lets be honest. Kathryn got Thomas an amazing photo of the day Saint was born, which really pulled on Thomas’s (and my) heartstrings.

“Oh god are they gonna have #3 tonight?”- SHEPARD ROSE, HOW DARE YOU.

Jennifer Snowden and Landon go to lunch to talk shit about Kathryn, I assume, because I’ve never seen them speak to each other in my life. My favorite trope is Landon huffing and puffing on her way to sit down at a restaurant, pretending she just came from a busy day at work, because we all know she doesn’t have a job. Landon tells Snowden that Patricia wants her & Thomas to date, and I can see Jennifer trying not her roll her eyes at Landon’s nonsense. It then turns into Landon’s word vomit at how she wouldn’t ever date Thomas because of the baggage, blah blah but, why are you talking about him so much then?! LORDT. “Just do whatever you want Landon, I don’t give a fuck” -Jennifer Snowden, probably.

remind me to never hang out with Landon again.

Patricia & Thomas are reconvening after the the party to talk about the party and his love life. “Eat, Drink, & Remarry” – GOD BLESS YOU PATRICIA!!! Patricia is back on the trail of playing matchmaker with Thomas and Landon, and telling him to court her the old-fashioned way. UGH.

Cameran is visiting her…mom? A psychic? (Editor’s note: it was her therapist) Shit. I need to pay attention. Cameran’s harping about a baby, and basically saying she’s too self involved, and she needs something more to live for. Basically, Cameran decides she wants to have a kid for her husband, because he would be such a great dad, which is cute, and not like she needs another excuse to eat cheetos- the bitch already does! What a legend! 

Austen is blabbing about Chelsea and continues to take her out on dates while she continues to friendzone him and tell him she doesn’t want a relationship- amazing. They are in a marsh somewhere with nets, doing something Southern- I’m unfamiliar. Update: it turns out they were crabbing, which I find hilarious that all the dates they go on involve Austen catching food for Chelsea. 

Landon is “working” and trying to google new names for her website because ROAM IS ALREADY A THING, and Thomas comes a-knockin, and he brings her a rose. She says “for the future, orchids are my favorite.” Then go to Trader Joe’s and get one, girl! This is such a momentous occasion, the first man taking Charlotte on a walk- sweet sweet Thomas Ravenel! We are then met with the scene we saw the first episode of this season- OUTSTANDING! They walk around the lake, and he said they should see each other more, he’s only 3 minutes away, something along those lines. As much as I mostly dislike Thomas, the effort he puts in with Landon is admirable.

honestly, same

CRAIG & NAOMIE!!! Gizmo is in the car with them as they go through the drive-thru at McDonald’s. It is the cutest thing ever! Craig calls Austen a “cooler version of Shep,” which is amazing. Craig then drives Naomie & Gizmo to a house that surprise! He bought! It’s actually a super great house, and Gizmo gets to do the walk through of the house too, which I LOVE. Honestly, Naomie has the life I want and deserve- cute cat, cute boyfriend, fluent in French- ONE DAY!! Cameran mentions a trip for her birthday (c’mon Bravo trip!) and she mentions inviting Kathryn! Naomie then tells them Landon told her Thomas had showed up to her house “with a bouquet of flowers professing his love” *immediately cuts to the shot of the ONE flower that Thomas got Landon* hahahaha these producers aren’t a fan of Landon, clearly telling in this edit.
Shep is creep a leepin, and shows up unannounced at Chelsea’s abode, glassy eyed and all. Shep needs to love himself. He tells her he’s moving to a new house, and that it might help him be a one-woman man. He also rummages through her entire kitchen, while she goes on about how she’s not dating Austen. Shep also says, “I’m sad we never cultivated our relationship,” while he has a mouth full of crackers- iconic. Okay, I hate this conversation, and I’m sad this is happening behind Austen’s back.

Cameran is calling Shepard 100 times and leaving voicemails and opening doors of his new house, with no response from him. She leaves the house in a huff. It’s 12:30, and she calls Chelsea, and basically she was like “he left my place yesterday to go get turnt,” and Cam is PISSED! Slash, what an effing disaster! I’m glad he wasn’t at Chelsea’s still. The suspenseful music sweeps through as Cameran gets into Shep’s condo with basically no effort, and wakes him up at 1 pm in his full outfit from the night before. “There’s a frat party every night!” Shep sadly whines, in bed in his jeans. I love this disaster.

NEXT WEEK: KENZIE’S MODELING PICS! Shep’s reaching a breaking point! Craig is being an a-hole to Naomie! Austen and Shep fight because Shep put the moves on Chelsea! Kathryn cries about her kids!! 

ALSO…I have some thoughts about the REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY TRAILER!!!

First of all, Tamra is the center orange- what’s up with that? Vicki, minus her cancer lies (Brooks and Kill All Cancer), is the supreme queen of any and all housewives, and is permentantly the CENTER ORANGE, OK @ANDY?!?! Unfortunately, Kelly Dodd, Jim Edmonds, and FUCKIN LYDIAAAAAAA WHY GODDDDD will be returning this season. Literally the most boring cast member in the history of housewives. Shannon gained a bunch of weight, and that hurts my SOUL that she’s so sad about it- Beador is the B E S T, and I want nothing but a lifetime of happiness for her. The newest housewife is Peggy, who looks like Golnessa’s sister from Shahs of Sunset, and it looked like she was yelling a lot. Amazing. But let’s be real, I am devastated that Heather Dubrow didn’t return this season, because I also adored her and her motherly tendencies. Also, we never got to see the final results of Chateau Dubrow! Anyway, needless to say I am completely doused in V by Vicky Gunvalson (I 100% own this fragrance) and READY FOR JULY 10th!!! Also, the premiere is the day before my birthday- coincidence? I THINK NOT!!

CAN’T WAIT! SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!

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