I LITERALLY CAFTAN’T. southern charm recap 5/22

EPISODE 8?! This season is flying by and I love every second. I started my new job today (whee) and and writing to you from my iPad for the first time (this is difficult whee!!) so, let’s get STARTED.

Cameran gave the recap of last week, and ended it beautifully with “I meaaaaaan, I think Landon would flirt with a corpse.” Award winning.  But WHERE is Mama Estelle?!i miss your smile.

Kathryn leaves darling Whitney a voicemail (in her Jeep obvi)- oh dang are the rivals making amends?! Does Kathryn ever leave her Jeep?! I NEED ANSWERS!

Thomas is playing tour guide of Charleston with Kenzie- she is so dang cute I want to die.

Naomie and Craig are going to counseling, and he’s complaining that she’s “not on his team,” and I’m sure their therapist is laughing at him under his breath. “Being from the North doesn’t give him an excuse to be an asshole.”

“He’s just a sensitive little guy”- LOLZ NAOMIE DRAG HIM 

It’s so hard not to mock Craig for being a whiny baby. Speaking of whiny Craig, My friend Dan always brings the lols during this show on twitter, and tonight was no different.Craig’s reasoning is based on his fragile ego, and I love that Naomie tries to give him a sense of reality by giving it to him straight. 

Austen & Landon are getting crunk in da club- I don’t know why he hangs out with her and it bugs big time. Last week it was the FaceTime call, and don’t even get me STARTED on “this isn’t roam-worthy.”

“You think Chelsea is the type that would let me like, wiggle on top of her while I’m drunk?” – GROSSO AUSTEN.

omg Shep trying to make Landon and Austen still happen? Blech. Austen reveals that Chelsea basically friend zoned him, Shep-style. Shep is shakin in his boots at the thought of another chance with Chelsea, and it gives him even more ammo to try to hook Austen and Landon up together. 

Ok we are back in da house with T.Rav’s dad, who had an illustrious political career, and I’m sure Thomas wishes he could say the same. We get a back story about Thomas’s many siblings, and how he ended up being a lot closer to his mom after his parents split.

Chelsea continues to drag Austen along! I mean, they go on a date. Chelsea is continuing to be the “cool girl” because she “likes sports.” But she also calls out his boner, and says their intercourse ended so quickly there wasn’t any time for him to get sweaty… LOLLL ok Chelsea I’ll give you that one. Austen then divulges his sister died in a freak accident when she was only 10 and he was even younger, which was S O sad, but you can also see how much Chelsea really cares about Austen, so maybe she will end up continuing to fall for him- good luck to him and his boner! 

OMG Patricia! And her equally glamorous friend, Georgette, who she described as first meeting at a “fancy party,” and also the business partner of her AMAZING caftan line! Dressed in all black, she is the yin to Patricia’s yang, and I’m immediately obsessed.

TIME FOR THE KATHRYN/CHELSEA MEETCUTE!

Chelsea is doing Kathryn’s hair, and speaks about the letter she has written to Thomas. Also, Kathryn’s hair looks AMAZING in the confessional. Yas bitch.

We see Thomas reading the letter to JD, and the suspense is killing me! Juxtaposed with Kathryn describing her relationship with Thomas to Chelsea- what a moment. Kathryn knows the tumultuous relationship Thomas has with his father, and if anything, she is happy that she gave Thomas a child in attempts to somehow bond with his Dad. JD and Thomas agree that he wants to give Kathryn a chance, so WE’LL SEE!!!

“I want one with Whitney’s face on it”- Cameran and also, me.

Cultural appropriation time! Everyone shows up in their Saris & they eat curry. Georgette doesn’t want any language at the table, but after 3 gin rickey’s everyone is getting buckwild.

Georgette is, of course, sporting a huge rock on her finger which looks amazing with her dog caftan, and also chides everyone for swearing.  She also speaks to the importance of forgiveness. Sigh. That is so relevant to my life GEORGETTE YOU ARE AMAZING!!

The surprise that came to the party was an Indian healer- I secretly hoped she was gonna be like the e-cigarette smoking psychic Allison DuBois from real housewives of bev hills, but I can’t have everything. 

Everyone asks questions about other people, and very predictable things, Cameran is gonna have kids, Shep will never get married, and Landon has a soulmate in the room. She also said that Whitney will have a child, which LOL with who?! His wackadoo British girlfriend now making her THIRD appearance on this program?! LORT. Whitney announces Kathryn wants to make amends and naturally, Landon FLIPS OUT. You can’t get rid of Kathryn that easily, huns.

Whitney then asks the PSYCHIC about it, and she’s like uhh, can’t compute, psychic powers dwindling. Cameran is telling these bitches to stay out of it, and of course Craig and Landon start yelling about it. “Words are words, actions are actions”- thanks for the wise words, Landy.

“Naomie, support me while I meddle in everyone’s business.”- Craig, probably.

“We need to stay out of their business!”- Cameran, while Craig and Shep both respectively GOSH’D together. Those two are THE meddlers.

NEXT WEEK!! Cameran & Kathryn meet! Elizabeth gives Kathryn the letter Thomas has written in response! I CAN’T WAIT!!!

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