ICE CREAM DETOX & QUAIL SHOOTIN: southern charm recap 5/15

SOUTHERN CHARM EP 7 Y’ALL! I’m actually a little shook that I’ve been able to keep up this long- full disclosure I’m starting a new job on Monday, so I’m a little worried about how the rest of the season will pan out, but I’m looking forward to giving it the old try! Anyway, enough about me and on with SOUTHERN CHARM! WOOOOO!!!!

We open with the normal shots of all the cast members, including Cameran, and WAS MAMA ESTELLE IN CAMERAN’S BED!? 

good morning, voodoo doll!

Kathryn shows up to JD & Elizabeth’s house, and their kids are absolutely darling. Kathryn accuses Jennifer Snowden of having an affair with Thomas while she was pregnant, and that leaves me a little shook. Honestly, JD & Elizabeth are probably the most level headed humans on this show…other than Naomie. JD has become somewhat of a voice of reason between Thomas & Kathryn, shockingly. I also love hearing his opinions on the matter, because nobody else is quite in the middle like the godfather & godmother of their kids. Kathryn says Thomas reached out to her to reconnect, and she’s a little shook about it. Also, I love that Kathryn has an average appearance of 4 minutes every episode this season, and watching the preview for next episode, I’m a little confused to be honest. How is all this drama going to materialize when the source of a lot of the drama only is in one scene in every episode?

Good ol Sheppy is in the house, going on a run…to the Altschul residence. Whitney is just as surprised Shep is running as I am. “I haven’t had a drink in 5 days, this is good.”  *cuts to Shep ordering a McFlurry in the drive thru* Homeboy is straight up DJ James Kennedy right now, choosing ice cream through sobriety. Truly inspirational. Anyway, Whitney and Shep talk shit about Craig, but what else is new!?

hork it down, girl

Craig and Naomie are next, and Craig is giving Naomie the cold shoulder, as Naomie demands an apology from her shitty boyfriend, because she’s a badass bitch!!!! DRAG HIM THRU THE MUD GIRL. He keeps saying that she’s “airing their dirty laundry,” but really, she’s just “telling people how terrible her boyfriend is and he’s embarrassed.”

“You will not speak to me like that again ever.”- Naomie. Y A S BITCH. Kill him with your words.

“There’s nothing better to get out of a bad spot than just shooting shit.” – quote #46 as to why I love this ho.

WE SHOPPIN W/WHIT & SHEP & …AUSTEN!? Color me awk. Austen hasn’t shot quail before, and also hasn’t gotten shot by Shep when he gets confronted about dating Chelsea behind Shep’s back- yeeeaaaaahhhhh boiiiiiiii. Austen is trying to keep how much he LUVZ Chelsea on the dl so he doesn’t hurt Shep’s feelings, and Shep takes it as a personal victory, to which I say LOLLLL. They then make weird flirtatious comments about Austen   & Landon- SHEP, stop trying to matchmake Austen away from Chelsea! You wish bro!

OH MY GOD PATRICIAS PHONE CASE. She is in a Chauncey caftan with a fucking HUGE teddy bear phone case. She is an iconic legend.

the best life.

Thomas said, “You know if I married Landon I wouldn’t make her sign a prenup,” which I thought I was sweet.” LOL PATRICIA. I’m also absolutely deceased at the fact Thomas can’t go to this hunting trip because he’s a F E L O N. Hysterical. I love that they choose the one trip their one felon friend can’t attend.

They are going to their hunting trip! Shep is trying to start the rumor of Austen & Landon, which is honestly hysterical. GIRL U DREAMIN. Meanwhile, Landon is in the backseat watching Austen & Chelsea flirt like… :::fook:::

They rock up to their beautiful cabin with stunning beds and chandeliers- I hate the idea of this trip, but I enjoy their lodgings. Craig, meanwhile, shows up in a Ron Jon Surf Shop Cocoa Beach tank, and Whitney, as Cameran describes him, looks like “Benjamin Button.”

Whatever whatever, they go shooting, Shep has reinstated his drinking, and they go to a beautiful dinner, and Shep is wasted in a feathered hat and red solo cup already. Chelsea & Austen go DO IT, and then Shep is peeved that they are still v into each other. “I think Austen’s tryna get laid…” ok Shep, so are you, 24/7!!!!

Landon is red, and all over Austen. Meanwhile, Shep is cackling violently at these events- hey fam, why you gotta sabotage Austen & Chelsea like that!?

Thomas is talking about his kids, and the whole world is cringing. “I really enjoy spending time with them, and I never thought I would feel like that”- K THOMAS. Elizabeth, the sweet angel baby saint, tries to reason with a drunk Thomas that he needs to make it work with his baby mama. He confesses he sent her a text, and she didn’t respond. “Kathryn will always be a part of the equation, which makes me hesitant to ::fuck thomas::” – Landon, plus my creative embellishment.

They’re all getting wasted, Chelsea looks embarrassed as fuck, Cameran is wasted. Chelsea & Austen sneak away, which is excellent, and Shep secretly cries a tear as his girl leaves with his protege. BANG HIM CHELS YOU GO GIRL. “I never thought I’d miss this kids so much” UGHHHH stop praising Thomas for being a C- parent, and being shocked at when he feels emotions and love. jeSUS.

The next morning, Landon is in head to toe camo laying across a couch, and Naomie is in a stunning red jacket, sitting upright, with a perfect ponytail- the perfect juxtaposition. However, keep in mind I just dislike Landon, and literally anything and everything she does annoys me, so cut to me next week complaining about her breathing air.

Austen & Chelsea, BONIN IN THE LOVE SHACK! I’m proud of you babies. Honestly, fuck Shep, y’all are good for each other, and for the love of god, Austen, DO NOT DATE LANDON. Chelsea also says she “likes it the way it is,” aka she doesn’t want to be in a relationship. Lord jesus. But so is Austen, allegedly, but he is so in love with her now. *looks at the camera Jim Halpert style*

fook

Looks like we are mid to end of the season now, because they hit us with that “coming up on Southern Charm” trailer. It has a lot of Kathryn involved, which will be interesting since she’s been in a total of 7 minutes of this season so far. Also, Chelsea throwing shade at Landon, which I love, and Landon responding with. “There is no girl code that’s the lamest thing I’ve ever heard grow up”- ONLY A CRAZY GIRL WITH NO FRIENDS WOULD SAY THAT, LANDONNNNNN. I’m so upset. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK XO

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