“JUST TRY NOT DRINKING FOR MAYBE A WEEK.”- southern charm recap 5/1

COME ON, EPISODE FIVE, LET’S GET…LANDON OUT OF HERE! But really- welcome to the episode 5 recap! We left off with Shep being sad at his own birthday party because Austen was being a grownup and initiating a relationship with Chelsea, even though Cameran was trying to get Shep & Chelsea together- you snooze, you loose, Shep!

“Landon might be just the sort of lady Thomas has been looking for all along”- bITCH

“Craig is working on….UMMMMM *cues Gizmo*”

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We open with Cameran and her mom visiting Larry the doll maker, and explains her weird phase where she wanted to be a white witch as a child- she dyed her hair purple and did spells in the woods- CAMERAN IS A FUCKIN LEGEND.

cameran
cameran dis u?
“White magic is positive!!”- lol yas Cameran.

Some CREEPY FUCKIN ASS BABY DOLL named Mama Estelle is chosen by Cameran- or is Cameran chosen by the doll?! I’m officially weirded out. But this makes me love Cameran even more- it shows more to her than just her monogram wearing, Mercedes speakerphone self.

“I don’t really have athletic shorts, but I’m a country club all-star”- SHEP is back again in full force, ready to confront Austen on the b-ball court. Not with his athletic prowess, but by the hot goss he knows about Austen & Chelsea! Thank you, Bravo, for the official scoreboard in the top left corner. Obviously, Shep wins because he’s trying really, really hard because Austen just stole his girl, and cue Bravo producers for showing 5 minutes of Shep panting and hyperventilating after playing a light game of basketball.

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the strug is rill.
“She’s probably not my type anyway” *cue the flashback of Shep saying “I LIKE HER”*

Ok Shep, whatever reassures your ego.

Back to the old boy’s club! Whitney & T.Rav!!

“I’m Mr. Mom.”- Thomas.

You know what, Thomas? A little bit of effort from you is all it takes to earn some respect! Not just dumping your kids into your guest house with the nanny! You go Thomas! Change those diapers! Okay, then he immediately goes into how his pants “accentuate his ass,” and now I’m ill again. He also proclaims he doesn’t like women with baggage, even though he went to jail for selling drugs in office- C O O L.

Jennifer & Kathryn are now meeting up- I totally understand both sides of the argument with these two women. Jennifer’s baby almost didn’t survive, and she didn’t hear a peep from Kathryn, but after everything Thomas did to Kathryn AND Jennifer, Jennifer still seemed to take Thomas’s side at the last reunion, or at least accepted a tissue from him. There’s still a little bit of tension between the two women, but nothing too dramatic.

I AM SHVITZING! Craig Conover yelps happily when his sewing machine came in the mail at the house- Craig is so damn endearing, everything he does I find adorable and lovable.

JENNIFER & KATHRYN ARE @ LUNCH!

As much as I usually take Kathryn’s side on everything, I truly feel for Jennifer in this moment- her poor baby makes me so sad. 😦 Kathryn is really skilled at cutting people out of her life, and as much as she thinks Jennifer is “manipulating” her, just give it a rest for two seconds Kathryn!

YA GIRL SHEP is back on the phone with his mom & dad who are vacationing in the Hamptons, telling his parents that he had a doctor’s appointment because of his “breathing heavy on the courts” incident. His dad had a heart attack around Shep’s age, so I totally get the concern, but it’s also the whole “drinking every single night acting like you’re 20 years old” lifestyle that’s dragging you down, Shep!

Landon & Austen are hanging out, and I die for her stage whisper that “some places aren’t Roam-worthy!” Well, since her website isn’t even functioning, nothing is Roam-worthy, girl!

Landon says something about a saying she had in ASPEN, and I rolled my eyes and vomited simultaneously.

OMG IS CRAIG MAKING CLOTHES FOR GIZMO!? I am literally dead. Craig, if my queen Naomie doesn’t marry you, I EFFING WILL- even though I don’t speak french or have an MBA and I’m not super rich. Oh well.

T.Rav’s white pants are making a return!! He’s drinking alone with cuts to items in his home, and he calls up el chupacabra, LANDON. She offers to lunch with him, and he says a “day date” is being put in the friend zone- ugh.

Sheppy Shep is at the doctor’s now! “I need to make some life changes.” Uh, to say the least. He goes to Thomas’s doctor, because clearly that doctor has seen worse shit on Mr. Ravenel. We get to listen to Shep’s medical questionnaire, which reads like an autopsy report- stunning. I wonder if Shep’s doctor is going to tell him he’s fine and just out of shape in this appointment, but he ends up doing the classic doctor-y things in order to justify Shep’s feelings- lol.

“Do you have Patron Silver?”- Welcome to part two in this episode of, “Is Landon A Secret Bougie-Ass Bitch!?” Landon is now talking shit about her nice and hot but dumb boyfriend, and basically talking herself up to be Mrs. Ravenel, for the 18th time this season. I. Can’t. Deal. With. These. People.

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literally kill me.
Back with my sweet Craig bb- “I’m a good guy, I’m faithful, I know how to do a bunch of random weird stuff.” I love nothing more than him & Naomie together! Even though he doesn’t have his shit together- spoiler: he passed the bar now, so he can be a bougie lawyer but also garden & sew too! WHAT A DREAM. He makes a cute dinner for Naomie, and in true ladylike fashion, she is thankful and happy, even though she’s low-key annoyed he’s a dumb dumb.

Oh god, he’s gonna start a clothing line?! COME AWNNNNN. There’s a difference between being a supportive girlfriend and being an ignorant supporter of all your nutso dreams, Craig! Who do you think you are, Lisa Rinna!? YOU FUCKIN WISH BRUH. Ay carumba. Ok, now Craig is calling Naomie dumb, which is like p r e t t y rude, since you’re being the dumbest of dumb, Craig!!

Next week looks like Cameran casting her magic spells on Shep’s love life, Shep trying to do yoga, and Craig being a petty little bitch, and Naomie taking NONE of his shit. That’s my girl.

SEE U NEXT WEEK XOXO

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