CHARCUTERIE & MULLETS: southern charm 4/17 recap

EP 3 EP 3!!!!!!

This show has been so good already this season, and hasn’t let us down with the dramz. I love when Landon is villianized, so I’m still riding that wave from last week.

We open on a white man (Austen? Shep? T.Rav?) running by the river. Also, why does T.Rav have plastic lime green glasses? Aren’t you rich?

Cameran & her hot trainer Joe start working out, and ya girl Chelsea shows up. “I basically live off of gas station food”- but you’re rich and skinny, Cameran, so clearly something is working, ok?

Screen Shot 2017-04-18 at 12.58.02 PM

We find out that Chelsea & Shep had a “sleepover”, but nothing happened, which is SHOCKING. Unless Chelsea is lying, but her & Cameran are best friends, so I don’t really think that’s the case. Live your truth, girl!

Craiggy & Landon get lunch, including a cheese & charcuterie plate, then Landon says “I never know how to say that right hehehehe”- to which I say, DON’T YOU ONLY HANG OUT WITH BILLIONAIRES?! LEARN HOW TO SAY THE NAME FOR A PLATE OF FANCY SLICED MEATS, GODDAMMIT. The first appearance of my queen Naomie via phone, and Craig doesn’t know what the name of a paparazzo background is (step & repeat).

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Naomie & her Louis Vuitton neverfull (ugh queen) shows up at Shep’s house for donations for her charity event. Shep’s pouring wine into assorted glass & plasticware for her, and they gossip about Landon and what a disaster Craig is.

“I think she gets a little ahead of herself and needs to get knocked down a couple of pegs”

I don’t agree with Shep that often, but when I do- I DO. He is so right.

At lunch, Craig & Landon bond over Shep bullying them. We also see Shep & Naomie talking about the situation last week at Landon’s website party, and how he made her cry. In Shep’s mind, he is doing them all a favor by being brutally honest with them. I think for Landon, telling her this information IS beneficial, and Shep is just being the helpful third party. Should he have told her what those guys said about her at a party in her honor? Maybe not, but I personally would have appreciated him telling me what other people were saying about me. When it comes to Craig, however, Shep is basically chiding him for lying about the bar exam, about law school, and basically making it impossible for Craig to get back into his good graces. Good grief.

QUEEEEEEN PATRICIA, gliding around in her pastel caftan in her pastel room, packing her Louis Vuitton suitcase, quoting Oscar Wilde- what an iconic legend. Patricia’s butler Michael is on vacation, so she has to do all her manual labor herself- stay strong, girl!

Screen Shot 2017-04-18 at 1.18.08 PMgoalzzzzzz

Kathryn Dennis is trying to get back into action as a model, and we see her at a modeling agency, showing off her high school modeling photos. In short, the lady tells her these modeling pics are too old, and that maybe she should get her kids into her modeling game too! Since she can only see them under supervision at the moment, maybe giving that whole situation a little bit of time before shilling your babies out as models would be most beneficial- BUT THAT’S JUST ME. I love Kathryn, and I’m so happy she’s doing better.

OF COURSE LANDON AND T.RAV BACK TOGETHER- I fuckin CAN’T WITH THESE TWO. They are casually day drinking at Chez Ravenel, and T.Rav has personalized cocktail napkins, and that’s actually pretty amazing. Screen Shot 2017-04-18 at 1.19.26 PMWe see a bunch of flashbacks from last season when Landon felt nervous to be around Thomas because of what everyone thought, and because everyone accused her of sleeping with Thomas. “Companionship is what I’m after”- K LANDON. Basically, watching Thomas & Landon flirting and her little cackle makes me want to gouge my own ear drums out, BASICALLY, but that’s just me. I will say, the sexual tension between T.Rav and Landon is PALPABLE, and I guess you can’t fight that feeling sometimes, so ehhhhhhh I guess go for it? (yikesyikesyikesyikes).

We come back to Naomie & Craig, and he’s flipping out on her because she’s telling him to be responsible- goddammit, Craig, just do it! She is getting her MBA and you didn’t even finish law school! Get it together! Naomie told Craig about the conversation she had with Shep, and Craig of course freaks out. “Even if I’m wrong, have my back.” Craig, Naomie was being a GROWN UP, and if anything, its nice to have a partner that will steer you in the right direction, and I wish you were able to see how lucky you are!

The gang of undesirables show up at a place with a liquor license- Austen, T.Rav, Shep, and some insane looking guy with a poncho and a mullet (I wish I was kidding). They all get some kind of mule (I’ve never heard of a Mexican Mule before – what is it?) ((update: I googled it and ehhhh patron & ginger beer I could never))Screen Shot 2017-04-18 at 1.35.33 PMwho/what/where/when/why is this PERSON

They all sing Landon’s praises, and Austen asked if “anyone has tested the waters,” and T.Rav thinks Shep is in love with her- LOLOLOL NEVER OK.

We then find in the final hour, Craig has gotten the step & release (hahaha) in the final hour, but then his printer stops working in the final hour, surprise surprise- CRAIG, THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T WAIT UNTIL THE LAST SECOND TO DO SHIT.

Patricia’s house is in disarray because Michael is gone, and nobody knows how to do chores. Cameran & Whitney have T.Rav on speaker, and Thomas says “I need to find a real woman”- NO SHIT, and perhaps someone in your age bracket!!

We then cut to Naomie preparing for the fundraiser at Republic, juxtaposed with Craig not being able to print anything at home, and Gizmo essentially laughing at him with his eyes. Gizmo is my favorite character this season.Screen Shot 2017-04-18 at 1.42.14 PMan appreciation post.

“YOU’RE NOT GETTING FUCKED YA FUCKED YASELF” – TELL HIM NAOMIE! Hopefully this is the last time she lets her boyfriend “help” her with her events.Screen Shot 2017-04-18 at 1.43.49 PM

UGH NAOMIE IS FRENCH!? AND FLUENT IN FRENCH!!! AND TALKING SHIT ABOUT CRAIG IN FRENCH!!! Cant she be my best friend? I took 5 years of basic French and went to France and St. Maarten once, so I’m basically the best novice ever. Landon has a hair chain in (yikes) but her dress is bomb, so good job Landon.

Speaking about her side piece, Landon judgtngly says “I’m not even sure he has a real job”- LANDON, DO YOU HAVE A REAL JOB?!

Shep told Whitney that he boned Chelsea, and Cameran and Whitney are working through it. Cameran also called Whitney a “sick freak,” which I love. Naomie’s mom looks like Yolanda Hadid, and Craig can’t say 15 in French- IT’S QUINZE, YOU UNCULTURED SWINE.

Chelsea & Cameran hash it out, so we are confirming Chelsea & Shep did indeed not sleep together.

Craig’s random friend says “from the internet he looks like a great gardener,” which is honestly the best thing ever.Screen Shot 2017-04-18 at 1.52.24 PM(lol at this screen grab)

Austen & Chelsea are chatting in the corner, as Austen’s sweaty hair sticks to his forehead. I don’t know if it’s good editing, but I feel like Austen comes across as slightly less of an asshole than Shep, so I feel like he is somewhat respectable for the time being. Austen’s gets Chelsea’s digits! Oh dang!

Next week is Austen & Chelsea’s hangout, the Landon & T.Rav saga continues, and Shep learns about Austen & Chelsea! OH DAAAANG. I love this show so much.





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