FROSÉ & WHITE HIP HUGGERS: southern charm recap 4/3/17

HALLELUJAH! Southern Charm is B A C K in our lives, and I cannot wait for this season to come thruuu with the drama!! After working on a cruise ship out of the central Florida coast for two years, I was fascinated by the Southern/East Coast lifestyle. Somewhere between California and Arizona, Lilly Pulitzer, Dillard’s, Sonic Route 66 cups, and Simply Southern pops out of nowhere and invades your view. Because we literally have ZERO of these things in Southern California, it is so interesting and bizarre to me, but I can’t get enough. Last season on Southern Charm I mainly spent hating Landon with every fiber of my being, but still anticipating what that mousey chismosa would say next.

LETS. GET. INTO IT!

We open with T.Rav (Thomas Ravenel, Kathryn Dennis’ baby daddy) bringing Landon an orange rose (found on clearance, I presume,) and her mentioning she likes orchids the best- girl, he got you an ORANGE ROSE- an orchid is at least a 200% price hike- even the Trader Joe’s variety. Then he asks if they should “give it a shot”

WHAAAAT?! Well, I mean we all saw this coming, but not so early in the season! Last season consisted of the back & forth between Landon and T.Rav’s incessant flirting, much to Kathryn’s dismay. I can’t speak for the entire audience, but Landon really developed as the unsavory character because of her general lack of success in life, lack of spinal cord when it came to her life, as well as her denial of anything to do with T.Rav, only to then go and spend her time with him, but also talk shit on the mother of his children.

THEN it cuts to “Three Months Earlier,” which leads me to believe this is going to be the cliffhanger for the entire season- producers, you’ve truly outdone yourselves. Knowing this whole season leads up to Thomas having the kids & house, and starting to date Landon!? I DIE.

I audibly screamed when my QUEEN PATRICIA came back on the screen, covered in marabou, looking up her dog’s horoscope- ICONIC QUEEN.

Craig is on his recovery tour since the reunion, in which he admitted to not finishing law school after notoriously not taking his bar exam, so he’s done a complete 180 and gone 100% blue collar, becoming a gardening & carpentry aficionado, which is totally cool and respectable, but it doesn’t hide the fact he was 1) lazy and 2) lied to all his friends ON TV.

BACK TO T.RAV IN WHITE HIP HUGGERSSSSS (je.sus.)

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He makes his children live in his guesthouse with their nanny, who they probably think is their mom (tragic) because “children are messy.” I LOVE Kathryn, and am devastated she doesn’t see their kids, and seeing their sweet little faces that look EXACTLY like their mom- I’m prayin for you, girl!

Back to Shep and his gingham-twinned shirt twin Austen, *pIcKiN uP ChiXx* (albeit unsuccessfully), and hittin’ that recap about Landon & T. Rav- honestly, I’m overjoyed this story line is continuing, because I’m flabbergasted at the amount of women that continue to spend time with Thomas, and how they will defend him to the bitter end.

Back with ya boy Austen, and his one night stand racing out of his apartment.

“I’m 29 and having a good time!”

Charleston is the land of drunk man boys who are afraid of commitment, it seems. But hey! This one is employed and making it on his own, so I guess I can’t judge. He kind of is the younger, better version of Shep like he says! I think I’ve met 47 Austens in Vegas- the #foreverfratboy trope lives on in this show.

BACK WITH QUEEN P IN HER MANSE, MUMU & ALL! And Whitney, who I’m high-key elated he won’t be a regular this season after slut-shaming Kathryn all last season because she didn’t love him back. Whitney is in a pinkie ring talking about getting high in Tulum, and Queen P is spreading that hot goss about K. Dennis.

“LAST YEAR WAS SHIT”

(montage of Landon’s shit life) Basically, everyone didn’t like Landon because she was boning T.Rav on the side, and didn’t want to admit it, but took it out on T.Rav’s baby mama out of spite, jealousy, sadness, rage, insecurity- WHO KNOWS!? But now she got a hot 25-year-old side piece, so good for you girl- staying away from T.Rav CLEARLY makes your life better, so continue this! (Obviously, she won’t.)

Back @ Thomas’s plantation! A young, blonde girl is calling him grandpa as they play rugby (!?!?) together. Eliza Limehouse is this chipper young blonde- why you hangin out with this old man?! Show me on this doll where he’s touched you. Anyway, they gossip about Kathryn & Eliza invites T.Rav to her pool party, which will probably cap off the end of this ep- stunning.

Back to our mainstays Shep & Cameran- Shep is hella butthurt because Craig lied to him about this bar exam, and is pretty pissed he was lying to Shep big time, and also defending Kathryn Dennis until the end of time.

Craig and MA GIRL NAOMIE are in the car, and KATHRYN DENNIS rings him to say..

SHES BAAAAAaaaaAAAAACCCCKKKKK!!!!

Keep in mind Craig & Naomie are on their way to Landon’s, and Naomie, the voice of reason, is basically like “k we can be I friends with everyone Craig, just keep everyone’s gossip and opinions and news to yourself, this is why people disliked you last season bruh”

And Craig is immediately like “LOL LANDON GUESS WHO’S BACK AND WE JUST TALKED TO”

Naomie’s like -_________________-FullSizeRender-2               

“r u fuckin serious craig”

And then we are BACK AGAIN to Landon talking shit about Kathryn, and saying she went to Malibu for rehab to find another rich husband- well, at least she’s keeping her rich guy options open! You’re JUST going after Thomas effing Ravenel seriously seriously ew ew.

Landon shows up to the party, her 25 year old boyfriend shows up to the party, she was back to chatting with Thomas.

“I can literally hear whispering behind my back” – sorry, I didn’t get the rest of Landon’s quote because I was rolling my eyes and barfing.

Back @ this pool party, T.Rav flirting with 19 year olds, Shep flirting with Cameran’s friend Chelsea, general white people tomfoolery happening, etc.

Shep & MA GIRL NAOMIE have a chat, and basically, Shep feels v blindsided by his once best friend’s lies about the bar exam. Yeah, that’s sucky & annoying, but Craig didn’t harm YOU in any way, just let his insecurities of being in that crazy ass town get the best of him.

Then the dramatic ending- Kathryn’s cousin talking shit about her at the pool party juxtaposed with Kathryn driving on the freeway but to WHAT!? The pool party? Off a cliff, Thelma and Louise style!? STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT!

OK SHE WAS GOING TO A DRUG TEST OK

…take that, everyone!

The season teaser looks like a LOT of Landon drama, which I LOVE, Kathryn in a velvet suit (GET IT GIRL), Shep being rude to all of his friends, and Cameran finding him after an all-night bender. I C A N N O T WAIT FOR THIS SHIT. It is a personal goal for myself to get this whole season blogged, so 1) wish me luck and 2) lets get this partaaaay starrrrted!!!!

See you next week! xo

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