It’s back, the crown jewel of Bravo, everything The Hills wishes it was, and the nucleus of the vapid yet snarky millennials (minus Jax Taylor- he doesn’t make the age cut) – VANDERPUMP RULES!! I miss this show so much. Sorry I missed last week, I had work, then between work and my cousin’s wedding, I was M I A.
LAST WEEK ON VANDERPUMP RULES: James & Lala fat shaming Katie, making fun of Scheana’s nose job, and then crying because they each have a lot of personal problems to work through. Also, Jax is telling everyone Kristen Doute gave his own girlfriend Brittany oral sex, and he walked in on it happening. WOWZA.
I came into this ep seven minutes in with Stassi’s beautiful white apartment:
“I thought you were coming over to tell me I was maid of honor”
Seriously- I love Stassi so much. She liked my tweet once, and I love her podcast & everything about her. BE MY FRIEND. Also her & her family were on the Amazing Race, so she’s been a reality star since the entire Real Housewives franchise was but a twinkle in @Andy’s eye.
I love the cross shots of the Toms talking and Stassi & Katie, sharing their clearly differing opinions of their upcoming nuptials. Plus the Toms getting massages next to each other was homoerotic and hilarious. These two need to marry each other. Tom Sandoval needs a haircut like I need air to breathe and Peppermint Chapsticks (A LOT OK)
“My new nose is great too.”– Scheana to DJ James Kennedy. This is part one of DJ James’ apology tour, both saddled up next to his confessionals of him in other words being like “LOL NOT SORRY”
We see Lala & her Mom going to lunch- she shows a lot of remorse for all her name calling/winter body-shaming at the infamous OK Magazine party from last week, which I can appreciate. I WANT A LALA TO SUCCEED OK! “My mom knows everything- down to I lost my virginity with a red condom to the song “Lollipop” by Lil Wayne.”– LALA! You kill me. I often go back & forth on loving and hating Lala- I love her in this video with the super clutch underground queen @Biblegirl666 (edit: this video has been put on private nooo), and in most of season 1, but last episode left a bad taste in my mouth- after a lifetime of body image issues, Lala’s comments were painful to hear.
Jax to Brittany: “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings” – what a creep! Being the guy to start rumors about his own girlfriend is literally the worst thing on this planet. MOVE BACK TO KENTUCKY GIRL! Your boyfriend is THE WORST! And what an iconic shot to see Brittany storming away from Jax and DJ James Kennedy is droppin fat beats at his turntables behind her- dead.
YOU. NEED. TO. DUMP. JAX. BRITTANY. You got the boobs already- run for the hills! As if he didn’t already :
1) cheat on you.
2) go to jail for stealing from a sunglass hut.
3) force you to get a boob job.
Besides, as much as I don’t want to believe this (and have to tell myself time and again)- YOU WILL NOT MEET YOUR HUSBAND IN VEGAS- and Brittany is the walking example of this (the truth hurts).
SCHEANA’S ELUSIVE HUSBAND HAS RETURNED!
Brittany returns to hers & Jax’s apartment after staying over at Scheana’s because her boyfriend is a dumb fuck, for lack of a better title. Jax, in a button down shirt and no pillowcases, yells at Brittany to “STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!” *tells everyone he knows, probably mailed his mom a postcard of two stick figure girls going down on each other* Jax, get it together. What do you have to gain from telling everyone this about your girlfriend and Kristen!? He is definitely the Vicki Gunvalson of VPR, stirring shit up to remain relevant on the show. He definitely needs to pull a Stassi and just dip out of the show for a few seasons to remain fresh.
Katie & Tom’s wedding talk is giving me serious PTSD after the wedding I was just involved in.
In case you wondering, the one remaining hoverboard still existing on this planet belongs to DJ JAMES KENNEDY. Jesus.
“I released Pump Sessions, and also released “Feeling You” featuring LaLa”
OH YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME TWICE JAMES. I’m tempted to post that video of James again.
FIND. ME. A. BETTER. LIVE. PERFORMANCE. AT. AN. OFF. STRIP. DAY CLUB.
DJ JAMES IS THROWIN DOWN @ THE DOG CHARITY
“I don’t care if it’s dog day or the club”– Me neither James! Live your truth!
Literally nothing is more reassuring then when Lisa Vanderpump straight up walks away from DJ James Kennedy’s whining slash humble brags about his success (or lack thereof) ((Buy Pump Sessions on iTunes))
The shots of DJ James Kennedy on the microphone at this event announcing he found a set of car keys and reminding owners to pick up their dog poo was honestly the best thing the editors could have done- a true gift. Especially in juxtaposition with James telling us how successful he is and how people are truly threatened by him- I’M DEAD.
I don’t understand what Jax has to gain from talking about this oral sex scandal! Other than staying on this show for another season!!
I HOPE LISA FIRES DJ JAMES NEXT EPISODE! (Doubt it though but a girl can dream right)
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!