WE’RE FANCY WHITE TRASH: real housewives of oc recap 9/5

HIIIII

 

ok, pardon me for my lack of consistency in shows- I’ve recapped the past few episodes of real housewives of new york, but I didn’t recap the complete season. And of course, here I am recapping real housewives of Orange County as well- mid-season. FORGIVE ME. Hopefully, you aren’t relying on me for a complete summary because my writing style can best be described as SPASTIC, but thanks for dealing with me.

A preface to my first Orange County recap: I consider RHOC the crown jewel of the franchise. It is the original, it is MY county, I’ve been watching since season one in the Laurie & Jeana days. I once had a swim meet at Coto De Caza and I was basically dying to run into Vicki Gunvalson at the competition pool. Let me also tell you, this swim meet had a bougie af snack bar, cushioned lounge chairs, and was in the gated community. TRULY remarkable. Anyway, they are my OGs, the orignals, I personally OWN Vicki Gunvalson’s fragrance, she’s my ride-or-die (except for the whole Brooks thing), and they are the ladies I live for, so expect my emotions and Orange County references to pour over you, and enjoy!


you must admit that packaging is pretty LUSH

So Meghan is skipping the Galamis (SP?) trip because of her IVF, which is now beginning the “I will use my baby as an excuse for everything ever forever” phase that all women seem to take into account. IT’S FINE I’VE BEEN THERE- I often cancel plans because my cat is sitting on me and I can’t bear to make her move- she’s so comfortable!

ANYWAY

Tamra is planning a trip to Glamis (I think it’s called!?!?) and nobody wants to go because Tamra is friends with problematic Vicki and Kelly.

We then cut to Kelly and her husband shopping for camping gear.

“Yes, I may have lost my temper, but that doesn’t give her the right to be judging me- last time I checked that was Jesus’ job,” said Kelly in her recap. UMMM pretty sure SHOUTING the c-word at someone at a sushi party is full permission for anyone to judge you- also that pastel pink lip product in your confessional …is that Mac Viva Glam Nicki Minaj? Not your best look, but I also own this problematic shade. I always admire anyone with the courage to wear a bold lip. (Also Kelly has tweeted at other fans calling them whores, and I wish to be excluded from that narrative)

LOVE YOU & YOUR BOLD LIP KELLY PLS DON’T CALL ME A WHORE

Shannon Bedour, my OC Princess, is selling her house to some wackadoo that wants to move in in 13 days, and also keep all her furniture. Is she selling it to Leonardo Dicaprio’s character in “Wolf of Wall Street”? That is so aggressive.

So Heather Dubrow is taking the Spice bus to Gilamis (I’m going to spell it differently each time), complete with Posh Spice runway and Baby Spice swing. Heather’s personal chef Jackie is loading up the fridge with pre-cooked meals and Diet Cokes- #1 I wish I had a personal chef #2 I wish I was Heather Dubrow’s personal chef- I feel like she makes a ton of money just making quinoa and egg white omelettes for the Dubrows.

Heather Dubrows “small” RV, or the Spice Bus from Spice World (1998)?

We return to the King-Edmonds clan, and Jim’s blatant dislike of the fact Meghan’s trying to get pregnant. Jim has the vibe of a 17 year old teenage boy whose mom has dragged him to JC Penney, slumping in the seats with a zip-up hoodie on.

“This is like the trailer I had on an independent low-budget movie I was in once”- Reel it in, Troop Beverly Hills! This RV is massive, and is probably like 4 miles to the gallon.

“She’s like a rescue dog, she can lick you or she can bite you”- Tamra on Kelly. Well YEAH- clearly they have to work to edit Kelly into the show by forcing the other ladies to invite her to things- I most definitely would not hang out with Kelly if she called me a “dumb f*ck” to my face.

K NOW KELLY IS BARFING ON THE RV, VICKI IS SCREAMING.

My claim to fame is my stunning rendition of Vicki’s constant screaming on their Puerto Vallarta trip about Andele’s, and it is definitely on my bucket list of world spots I need to visit.

I’m really hoping this po-dunk town in the middle of nowhere isn’t going to be the vacation of the season, but unfortunately, I think this may be the case.

Dun dun DUUUUN! Meghan is PREG!

“Are you happy?” – Meghan King-Edmonds.                                                                               “….I’m not gonna cry.”- Jim Edmonds.                                                                                              *deep guttural groan* – me.

So 17 hours later, the RV full of hysterical women finally make it to Glamis (CONFIRMED SPELLING).

“We’re fancy white trash!” –Tamra, basically the best way to describe everyone in Orange County (no shade it’s including me!).

“Kelly now you have your own trailer to throw up in” – NICHOLAS DUBROW YOU ARE SHADY AS HECK AND I L O V E YOU FOR IT.

I try to distance myself from the ATVing/Stagecoach attending/Angels of Anaheim supporting/ Disneyland Annual Passholding aspect of being an Orange County resident, so the concept of driving out to the desert for anything other than floating at a pool in Palm Springs or dancing on a banquette in Vegas goes right over my head, BUT I’M SURE IT’S SUPER FUN.

Cut to Shannon in the car with David en route to play golf in Palm Springs (way more my style) – white sunglasses, white polo, purple visor- Shannon is my EVERYTHING. She is slowly surpassing Vicki as my main lady, and she kills me with her commentary and outfits.

Sometimes I forget Tamra did body building until she shows up in a cropped tank with the back cut out, spandex volleyball shorts, and a trucker hat. ORANGE COUNTY’S FINEST AMIRITE.

I must have missed the OC gene that enjoys riding around in cars wearing a helmet, but I digress.

OMG

VICKI AND KELLY FLIPPED THEIR ATV- KELLY’S HELMET FLEW OFF.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL.

Vicki’s barfing, Kelly is shouting “SHE HAS A BAD NECKKKK!” Tamra is laying on the ground- NOT MY OC ANGELS (shoutout season 3 RHOC throwback)


#tbt OC Angels (long live Briana Gunvalson!!!!!)

Omggg stretchers and flares and helicopters OH MY.

Should’ve just gone to a Four Seasons like Heather wanted. I feel ok speaking to this now because we all know by now they are ok and alive, but this is indeed a SCARY THING. I’m so happy they had their helmets on, and that they are all ok.

 

Heather is Facetiming Terry (Lumee case HOLLAAAA), and Vicki was barfing and Tamra was knocked out- TAMRA’S POOR MOM TEARING UP!

good enough for Bethenny, Heather Dubrow, Kim K, and ME.
Kelly is chuggin a beer, Heather tells Meghan this over the phone “Kelly’s drinkin a beer” (lolz) and Jim and Meghan are like fuhhh does that mean we have to go see Vicki at the hospital?

“Also, I don’t want to go visit Vicki in the hospital because I’m not her friend.”

THANKS MEG that answered my question.

Next week preview: Shannon & Meghan golfing in Palm Springs, not wanting to visit Vicki cause they LEGIT don’t hang out with her! (I wonder if @Andy visited Vicki in the hospital…)

All in all, an ok ep of mostly barfing in the desert or on an RV. I wish they were back in Puerto Vallarta or in Dubai like the RHOBH do, but it’s also OC. It’s fancy white trash, so Glamis is just right.

(wish we were at Andeles)

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