“BEACH TOWNS ARE THE ONLY THING I’M GOOD AT” – southern charm recap 6/19

YASSS EP 12 BABIEZZZZZ!! This season has been phenomenal, and honestly has been a shining point in what has been a ROUGH couple of months- thank you my sweet @andy for this beautiful distraction. Anyway, this episode is gonna be spectacular!! I’m ready for some Landon whining, and for Kathryn and Cameran to bond!! BRING IT ON!

My boy gizmo straight chillin on the couch while Craig makes Cameran some baby clothes- timeless. Shep shows up to Chelsea’s house,  because she’s the QUEEN OF LEADING MEN ON. Shep apologizes for macking on her in the bar, and she says Shep made her feel like “one of those girls,” and he admitted to liking her at one point. Then they have a very vague conversation about what would have been if she had known he liked her-  awk. She then mentions Austin, and he erm erm erms his way out of it.

CAMERAN AND KATHRYN YAAAA! Cameran considers this her last blast before becoming a mom, and Kathryn is dazzling in winter white. Cameran then describes her husband as a baby looking like an “albino baby possum”- Jesus, Cameran! Way to not sugarcoat it at all. Then Cameran tells Kathryn that Landon expects an apology from her before they go to Key West- cut to Landon’s garbled voice on the phone lolzzzz. Then Kathryn tells Cameran that her and Thomas planned a three day weekend together to some plantation, but they had broken up, and Thomas took Landon on this trip instead. Also, it was on a Valentine’s Day weekend before Saint was conceived, and Thomas told Kathryn this to make her jealous. 

Naomie and Craig are fighting while Gizmo and Naomie cuddle- we know what side he’s chosen. Craig is flipping out because he’s lame and doesn’t do anything, and his girlfriend judges him. Naomie offers him an ultimatum that is basically like don’t be a fuckin asshole or we WILL break up on this trip. Basically. 

time for my closeup.

PATRICIA MY ANGEL! She’s unwrapping her auction finds- that bitch loves an Indian themed artifact. She pulls out a gold encrusted elephant clock to put on her mantle- queen of my life.

boss bitch.

Landon and Thomas are together, and she’s talking shit about Kathryn of COURSE, and doesn’t want to “bring [her]self down to her level”- bitch you are a bottom fucking feeder- nobody goes lower than Landon. She expects an apology from Kathryn which is LAUGHABLE, and is NEVA GONNA HAPPEN. 

Chelsea is meeting Austen’s parents!! Truthfully, I’m a little shook about it. I thought she didn’t want to be in a relationship! And now Chelsea is back pedaling on what she said about Shep to Austen, and is basically defending Shep again- I’m about done with this girl. MAKE UP YOUR MIND!! “You clearly talked to Shep today, and that’s why the narrative is changing”- I’m SO STOKED that Austen is catching onto her ways of just meandering around the truth and what she wants people to think, etc. Basically she broke up the friendship of Shep and Austen, and she has no remorse. RECOGNIZE A GOOD THING WHEN YOU SEE IT, CHELSEA!! Austen is such good people.

Austen’s parents are telling embarrassing stories about him, and Chelsea is being the perfect girl to bring home to the parents, aka she can turn it on when she needs to. That girl is good at telling people what they want to hear, but I want to know what she REALLY wants. 

Everyone’s at the airport- wooooo! Party time! Shep made it to the airport!! Let’s be real he probably didn’t sleep.  Craig & Naomie look pissed and Gizmoless.

Whitney is trying to barter for better rooms OF COURSE, and Austen is a lil mad about he and Chelsea. But then Chelsea signs up for a room with Cameran- escandalo! Everyone is immediately red and moist- WELCOME TO FLORIDA!!! My second home. Kathryn tells Naomie that Landon expects an apology from her, and Naomie says AVOID HER THIS WEEKEND TYSM- wise words from Miss Olindo. Whitney says the phrase “banana hammock,” and I’m about to yartz everywhere. Landon and Jennifer talk shit about Landon, and Cameran calls her out about her secret trip with Thomas!

Landon screams at Chelsea for playing devil’s advocate and siding with Kathryn, and it makes her look like a DAMN FOOL. “I don’t think she’s really that committed to getting her children back.” Those are some fighting fucking words, Landon. Only a real bitch could only think to say that!! She’s not with Thomas anymore, he’s all yours, I don’t know what more Landon feels she’s entitled to in this scenario. 

“BEACH TOWNS ARE THE ONLY THING I’M GOOD AT”- well I figured you were good at pretty much nothing as well, so we are in agreement. 

Landon is drunkenly throwing herself onto Austen, and he’s like -__________- and all the girls are watching in the window. “Should I be worried about that?” – Chelsea. Uhh, idk Chelsea, are you willing to admit you actually like Austen?

If Landon says “codependency at an all-time high” one more time, I’m going to fling myself off the Ravenel bridge.

Shep and Austen are making up kind of. Shep’s peace offering is matching button down dad shirts, and it’s amazing. 

Chelsea asked Kathryn about the drama when they are getting ready, and she says “it’s about Cameran tonight, not me” which is such an amazing sign of her growth. Naomie casually calls Craig out about about the “dip” he has in his pocket- ddaaaang Naomie b savage!

Danni’s fiancé shows up at dinner giving me sugar daddy realness, and Landon yells “I’M GONNA GO BACK TO THE HOTEL THERE’S NOT ENOUGH SEATS” and literally the whole group is rolling their eyes at her- I mean, same, but that old rich guy you’re sitting next to is already engaged. Also, why the f are you drinking bourbon in a Florida?! Get outta here JD (I love ya tho). Everyone is sweaty and frizzy and red, and I’m dying. 

8 margs in, Whitney thinks it’s a good idea for Landon and Kathryn to clear the air- NAWT. Danni is trying to help clear the air between them- bish, where you been all season?! Courting your old ass fiancée?! #bye. Craig is trying to be mediator, and Naomie is like, in the corner dry heaving of embarrassment. Landon is a goddamn banshee, and Kathryn is a poised queen. And Craig is being so fucking annoyingggggggg. But, Landon is actually semi-genuine in this moment, but Landon also blamed Thomas as using her as a pawn against Kathryn- and Thomas is SHOOK. RUH ROH LANDON AND KATHRYN ARE HUGGING. What’s going on?! Kathryn’s interview was SCATHING- “She’s pretty fake- she tried to f Shep, Thomas, and even Austen, and now Cameran knows the real Landon- it’s pretty pathetic.” Kathryn’s monologue deserves a daytime Emmy.

Thomas calls Landon’s apology “self serving,” and to “advance some agenda she has”– wow Thomas has truly flipped the switch on his idea of Landon. I am SHOOKETH. I’m also dying at the flashbacks of this drag bar/strip club they went to in Key West- these damn monsters 😂😂😂 I also love that Landon was all over Shep the night before. The next morning, Landon jumps in and immediately starts defending Kathryn after this apology from the night before, and Thomas is pissed!! How DARE this girl disagree with him?! I brought her an orange rose once! 

THE SEASON FINALE IS NEXT WEEK! It looks like any Kathryn/ Landon drama is sort of over, but Thomas is pissed because Landon isn’t tryna swim up his butthole anymore.   “I want a girl who is privileged and honored to be with me” – K GOOD LUCK THOMAS. Craig is still whining, and Shep and Craig are screaming at each other- shocking. Chelsea is ALL OF A SUDDEN V TERRITORIAL OVER AUSTEN, and yells about him about some other girl lolz- SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! 

“I’M NOT A J.CREW BITCH.”- southern charm recap 6/12

EPISODE ELEVEN BITCHES!! I am into the swing of my new job, worked out after work today, and am in a face mask as I prepare to watch this week’s Southern Charm- WHO SAYS YOU CAN’T HAVE IT ALL?! This week hinted at being the episode where Shep makes a move on Chelsea and she doesn’t like it, so I’m nervous to see how this episode goes. Also, Naomie hinted she’s gonna pop off on Craig on her instagram earlier today, so I’m a little scared for that too.
                                                         

Also, Shep was riding the struggle bus big time, not only with the women in his life, but with his hard partying ways. WILL SHEP EVER GROW UP?! We may never know.

Ok back to the real ep!! Chelsea & Cameran are gonna go hang out with Kathryn, and Cameran admits she was really impressed by Kathryn when they went to lunch together. JD & Thomas go to lunch, and Kathryn asks Thomas if she can bring Kenzie on a modeling gig- c’mon, stage mom! JD is shook by the fact that Thomas and Landon are dating, AND SO ARE THE REST OF US. There’s a cutaway of Landon guffawing as she finds Thomas’s poetry book while he sighs, exasperated. 

Landon and her Dad are out on the town, and she comments something along the lines of “is there anything better than this?” And he says “Being in Key West.” I love him immediately. Landon’s dad basically gives her a job offer to just SHOW UP TO A FUCKIN PROPERTY EVERYDAY AND TELL PEOPLE WHAT TO DO, and how this way, she can make a living. Landon responds with something along the lines of “ehhh well I hope I can make a living off of the website”- girrrrrrrl. “It would be easy to just work for my dad and marry Thomas, but I want to do something for myself”- bitch, you don’t have to marry Thomas, but like, take the fuckin job!!! Give up on the website formerly known as Roam!! TAKE THE MONEY! LISTEN TO THOSE MORE BROKE THAN YOU (me)!!!!!

We then see Cameran and Shep talking, and Shep is even admitting that Chelsea and Austen are together, but Cameran is vehemently denying it. I can’t blame her though…Chelsea denies it like crazy when ANYONE asks her, so you certainly can’t blame other guys for trying. Shep then displays minor depression issues, and shows that money really can’t buy happiness- Shep is rich af but still seems to be having a tough time. 

“I have to market myself like I’m a J.Crew bitch, and I’m not a J.Crew bitch.” LOLZ KATHRYN! My favorite girls all together- Cameran, Chelsea, & Kathryn are all shopping to get Kathryn something to wear other than Forever 21 rompers to her modeling gig. SORRY GIRL- U A MOM NOW! OFF TO ANN TAYLOR YOU GO!! I spoke too soon- Kathryn tried another romper on. OMG! MORE KEY WEST! Cameran announces she’s throwing a Key West trip for her bday, and Cameran asks if Kathryn would be ok if they all went to Key West together, including Landon. But Kathryn don’t give a fuck, cause she’s a hot ass bitch- iconic. Cameran then tells Chelsea about the shitshow that Shep was the week before, and Chelsea says her, Shep, & Austen are all hanging out soon. WHAT A RECIPE FOR DISASTER!!!

“I’m doing my best to not work”- same, Austen. 

Chelsea then admits Shep tried to make out with her a bunch of times, and called her and Austen “a joke,” and that he’s with Landon all the time…ARE THESE PEOPLE SEEING SOMETHING I’M NOT?! There is barely a thread of a relationship between Austen & Landon, and I really don’t know where this idea has stemmed. Cameran is also probably to credit for planting this seed in Shep’s mind about he and Chelsea, since Chelsea never admits to anything about Austen. JUST EFFING ADMIT IT GIRL, then maybe your best friend Cameran wouldn’t have been pawning you off to her other best friend Shep! It’s basically everyone’s fault.

DA BOYZ are all at dinner, and Austen is SEETHING in the corner when Shepard walks in. Where’s Shep’s friend with the mullet? Craig and Whitney are looking pretty shook, and Shep says “it was a test!” and Craig pops in, saying how Shep tried to “bang Naomie” when they first started dating, and Craig also added, “hopefully the girl I’m marrying likes me enough to say no.” WOWOW DRAG SHEP! This stuff is crazy. Then Shep is still pissed because Austen took Chelsea from Shep, and he just wanted to get a last chance. Shep does have a point though- Cameran was inSIStent about Chelsea and Shep getting together. He was merely listening to someone he considers a good friend, and his ego got in the way.

Whitney and Craig basically are saying everyone makes mistakes, but also SHEP IS SHEP, and Craig is of course playing devil’s advocate cause he don’t like Sheppy. Haha. Austen then brings up that Shep mentioned weeks ago that Austen “doesn’t make enough money for her,” which is sucky. Also, bitch, do you HAVE A JOB SHEP?!? Ok then Beau, that little SHIT STIRRER, tells Shep about the money comment, which is I mean, TRUE! You fuckin said it Shep! He then basically storms off, saying “I DON’T CARE, I HAVE A MILLION FRIENDS,” which is something I’ve thought and said several times. Except I literally have four friends and a cat, so, keep dreaming Shep, and keep dreaming, Shawna.

Kathryn and Kenzie are doing a photo shoot, and it’s truly heartwarming. Kathryn is excited to spend more time with Kenzie, and Thomas seems happy to be there too. It was such a good moment!! I love this. Also, I love that the Bravo producers made the moment of Kenzie screaming getting into the car to be a dramatic moment previewed at the top of the season, but it was really just a grumpy toddler that wanted her mom,  it it’s so sad for Kathryn to not be able to be with her kids. 

Cameran & Chelsea are finally talking about the Shep moment. Hopefully now is the time for Cameran to see the error in her ways!! Cameran says Shep is butt hurt because he liked her at some point, and Shep also blamed Cameran for this too, and she said “I love y’all both and wanted you to be together.” DDANG then Chelsea goes in and is basically like, uh, you know Shep is trash why do you want me to date him?! It’s just Cameran being a little selfish and wanting her two best friends to conveniently date each other. 

FINALLY MY QUEEN NAOMIE! IN THE LAST TEN MINS!! Naomie asked if he just woke up, and he was like “ugh a low blow right away.” Craig, relax, you STILL sound asleep. They are in a therapy session, and Craig is whining about his mean girlfriend. Naomie is working her ass off, and Craig is just lazy!! What is she supposed to support you with? Your new careers? Your knitting? Gardening? There’s a difference between being coddled and being supported, and he wants to be coddled. But shit, Naomie straight up said “I don’t like the way you are!” Yowza.

Cameran & Shep are hanging out, and she confronts him about trying to kiss Chelsea twice, and his response? “So? I can’t remember.” GOOD ONE SHEPARD. Cameran tells him he is not entitled to kiss any girl he thinks is hot, which is so true. The only reason Cameran can tolerate him is because she’s already married and is not in his wrath. JUST ADMIT YOU EFFING CARE, SHEP!!

YAAAS NEXT WEEK IS GONNA BE SO DAMN GOOD!! KATHRYN & CAMERAN!! LANDON & KATHRYN! Craig legit says “if you correct me one more time, we are separating tonight…” I would cut a bitch if anyone said that to me, and I know Naomie is no different. (I mostly love Craig but he needs to effing RELAX!!!) 

and the iconic scene….SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! XOXO

(southern charm Savannah is still fucking terrible.)

“EAT, DRINK, & REMARRY.” – southern charm recap 6/5

IT’S EPISODE TEN, Y’ALL!! I am so proud of myself for writing ten weeks in a row, honestly. But my love for Southern Charm keeps me going strong, and I have a newfound affinity for taking screenshots of the show on my iPad to use in daily iMessage conversations.

AWhen we left last week, Landon was crying about walking her dog alone, and Kathryn & Thomas had exchanged letters and reached some sort of truce. We start off at Saint’s birthday party! AHH! Kathryn is at Saint’s party!!! Kathryn & Thomas make small talk, and everyone is silently screaming. “You guys dress him so well” is the saddest sentiment that a Mom can say about her own child. Poor Kathryn. JD SHOWS UP! The great uniter!! Naomie! Craig! Snowden! Chelsea! Dang, Saint has the whole crew rolling in. The only one missing is Andy Cohen, to be honest. Jennifer Snowden is still butt hurt because Kathryn doesn’t want to be friends with her, and Cameran hates on the haircut that Chelsea gave Shep while Austen seethes in the background.

GOD LOVE HER, but miss Pat Altschul is a little bit of a hater, and dips out during Saint’s bday song. I’m sure it was crazy editing, because she is quite the lady, but they made it out to be a very blunt dip out. The only thing missing at this party is….LANDON. Thank god, lets be honest. Kathryn got Thomas an amazing photo of the day Saint was born, which really pulled on Thomas’s (and my) heartstrings.

“Oh god are they gonna have #3 tonight?”- SHEPARD ROSE, HOW DARE YOU.

Jennifer Snowden and Landon go to lunch to talk shit about Kathryn, I assume, because I’ve never seen them speak to each other in my life. My favorite trope is Landon huffing and puffing on her way to sit down at a restaurant, pretending she just came from a busy day at work, because we all know she doesn’t have a job. Landon tells Snowden that Patricia wants her & Thomas to date, and I can see Jennifer trying not her roll her eyes at Landon’s nonsense. It then turns into Landon’s word vomit at how she wouldn’t ever date Thomas because of the baggage, blah blah but, why are you talking about him so much then?! LORDT. “Just do whatever you want Landon, I don’t give a fuck” -Jennifer Snowden, probably.

remind me to never hang out with Landon again.

Patricia & Thomas are reconvening after the the party to talk about the party and his love life. “Eat, Drink, & Remarry” – GOD BLESS YOU PATRICIA!!! Patricia is back on the trail of playing matchmaker with Thomas and Landon, and telling him to court her the old-fashioned way. UGH.

Cameran is visiting her…mom? A psychic? (Editor’s note: it was her therapist) Shit. I need to pay attention. Cameran’s harping about a baby, and basically saying she’s too self involved, and she needs something more to live for. Basically, Cameran decides she wants to have a kid for her husband, because he would be such a great dad, which is cute, and not like she needs another excuse to eat cheetos- the bitch already does! What a legend! 

Austen is blabbing about Chelsea and continues to take her out on dates while she continues to friendzone him and tell him she doesn’t want a relationship- amazing. They are in a marsh somewhere with nets, doing something Southern- I’m unfamiliar. Update: it turns out they were crabbing, which I find hilarious that all the dates they go on involve Austen catching food for Chelsea. 

Landon is “working” and trying to google new names for her website because ROAM IS ALREADY A THING, and Thomas comes a-knockin, and he brings her a rose. She says “for the future, orchids are my favorite.” Then go to Trader Joe’s and get one, girl! This is such a momentous occasion, the first man taking Charlotte on a walk- sweet sweet Thomas Ravenel! We are then met with the scene we saw the first episode of this season- OUTSTANDING! They walk around the lake, and he said they should see each other more, he’s only 3 minutes away, something along those lines. As much as I mostly dislike Thomas, the effort he puts in with Landon is admirable.

honestly, same

CRAIG & NAOMIE!!! Gizmo is in the car with them as they go through the drive-thru at McDonald’s. It is the cutest thing ever! Craig calls Austen a “cooler version of Shep,” which is amazing. Craig then drives Naomie & Gizmo to a house that surprise! He bought! It’s actually a super great house, and Gizmo gets to do the walk through of the house too, which I LOVE. Honestly, Naomie has the life I want and deserve- cute cat, cute boyfriend, fluent in French- ONE DAY!! Cameran mentions a trip for her birthday (c’mon Bravo trip!) and she mentions inviting Kathryn! Naomie then tells them Landon told her Thomas had showed up to her house “with a bouquet of flowers professing his love” *immediately cuts to the shot of the ONE flower that Thomas got Landon* hahahaha these producers aren’t a fan of Landon, clearly telling in this edit.
Shep is creep a leepin, and shows up unannounced at Chelsea’s abode, glassy eyed and all. Shep needs to love himself. He tells her he’s moving to a new house, and that it might help him be a one-woman man. He also rummages through her entire kitchen, while she goes on about how she’s not dating Austen. Shep also says, “I’m sad we never cultivated our relationship,” while he has a mouth full of crackers- iconic. Okay, I hate this conversation, and I’m sad this is happening behind Austen’s back.

Cameran is calling Shepard 100 times and leaving voicemails and opening doors of his new house, with no response from him. She leaves the house in a huff. It’s 12:30, and she calls Chelsea, and basically she was like “he left my place yesterday to go get turnt,” and Cam is PISSED! Slash, what an effing disaster! I’m glad he wasn’t at Chelsea’s still. The suspenseful music sweeps through as Cameran gets into Shep’s condo with basically no effort, and wakes him up at 1 pm in his full outfit from the night before. “There’s a frat party every night!” Shep sadly whines, in bed in his jeans. I love this disaster.

NEXT WEEK: KENZIE’S MODELING PICS! Shep’s reaching a breaking point! Craig is being an a-hole to Naomie! Austen and Shep fight because Shep put the moves on Chelsea! Kathryn cries about her kids!! 

ALSO…I have some thoughts about the REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY TRAILER!!!

First of all, Tamra is the center orange- what’s up with that? Vicki, minus her cancer lies (Brooks and Kill All Cancer), is the supreme queen of any and all housewives, and is permentantly the CENTER ORANGE, OK @ANDY?!?! Unfortunately, Kelly Dodd, Jim Edmonds, and FUCKIN LYDIAAAAAAA WHY GODDDDD will be returning this season. Literally the most boring cast member in the history of housewives. Shannon gained a bunch of weight, and that hurts my SOUL that she’s so sad about it- Beador is the B E S T, and I want nothing but a lifetime of happiness for her. The newest housewife is Peggy, who looks like Golnessa’s sister from Shahs of Sunset, and it looked like she was yelling a lot. Amazing. But let’s be real, I am devastated that Heather Dubrow didn’t return this season, because I also adored her and her motherly tendencies. Also, we never got to see the final results of Chateau Dubrow! Anyway, needless to say I am completely doused in V by Vicky Gunvalson (I 100% own this fragrance) and READY FOR JULY 10th!!! Also, the premiere is the day before my birthday- coincidence? I THINK NOT!!

CAN’T WAIT! SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!

“LOOK AT ME, CRYING INTO A CHICKEN WING”- southern charm recap 5/29

WELCOME BACK TO THE OLD CHARMER!! I had an amazing Memorial Day weekend, and spent 80% of it sipping sangria on a pool float, Lisa Vanderpump style. BUT BACK TO REALITY.

I just wanna be Lisa.

Last week, we left off with good old Shep and Craig defending Kathryn to Cameran, who is very not into the idea of reasoning with her. But as the series preview showed, there will be an amazing convo between Kathryn and Cameran at some point that I can’t WAIT for!!

We see that Craig FINALLY graduated from college- woohoo! Cameran is on speakerphone with her husband, and says she’s going to Homegoods, to which I say, SAME. She tells her husband that the psychic told her she would have three kids, and he seemed stoked about it, while Cameran looked like she wanted to die. 

“don’t drag me into your hairbrained schemes, Craig.”

Craig and Gizmo celebrate his graduation, and he FaceTimes his Mom and Dad, and by that, I mean he holds Gizmo up in front of the camera. Amazing.
Cameran and Chelsea hit up Homegoods, and I’ve never related to this show than in this moment. I also gossip with my friends about Kathryn in Homegoods. Cameran just needs to hit Kathryn up, dammit, and see how much growing up she has done, and have them all revolt against Landon, TYSM.

damn girl ya cart is loaded!

Naomie and Craig go to dinner, and he surprises her with his law school graduation, and she says “I feel like I really don’t believe you,” and chuckles, and then Craig is ready to pop off on her. He is still hung up over the fact she pushes him to be better, rather than blindly supporting anything he does.  

for fuck’s sake, craig.

Cameran and Shep chat on the phone, and she agrees to go to lunch with him and Kathryn- scandalous! But I am SO excited to see Cameran see a reasonable side of Kathryn.  Cameran has a weird soft spot in her heart for Thomas, and in her eyes, he can do no wrong. 

Here she comes! Good ol Landon! She’s on the phone with a friend talking about Thomas, and also opens up the phone call with “I’ve been working all day”- bITCH where?! On the website you don’t write articles for? 

So they go on a date, and I’m cringing the whole time. She says “good to see you” constantly, like you would on an awkward run in you have with a high school friend at TJ Maxx, before you run away to buy clearance Sam Edelman sandals. Landon is, of course, bright red and giggling  the whole time. Then, as Thomas chugs his wine, the lady at the table next to them drunkenly lectures them as to why they are soulmates, and how Thomas needs to “own it.” Excuse me, lady, you 1) are wrong and 2) owe Lisa Rinna royalties for stealing her catchphrase. (Side note: My friends and I watched over an hour of Lisa Rinna QVC programming and let me tell you, we we transfixed the whole time. 10/10 would recommend.)

her audition for “friend of” next season

YAAAAS time for the lunch I’ve been waiting all season for! Shep, Craig, and Kathryn all head to lunch and wait for Cameran. BUT NOW, we see Cameran is bringing Whitney with her for backup- GIRL, you can fend for yourself- why do you need Whitney?! The flashbacks they show of Kathryn from earlier seasons are haunting. I hope she’s really turned it around! 

After listening to Cameran speak, it feels a little bit better in the air. She seems sweet and comforting to Kathryn, and they were looking to see how she was doing. She has been through hell and back at the age of 25, which is NUTS! Craig tells the table he officially graduated, and of COURSE Shep gotta say something about it. 

So Craig and Austen are hanging out, which is a refreshing pair to see together! They basically decide Chelsea is flighty af even though Austen really likes her. OF C O U R S E who comes peep a leeping in to Chelsea’s salon but…SHEP. Ugh. Chelsea also tells Shep that she and Austen “have fun,” and doesn’t admit to going on dates with him. C’MON GIRL, have some respect for that good good boy that likes you!! Austen and Craig basically talk about how creepy Shep is, and Craig says how Shep creeped on Naomie when they first started hanging out- ok I don’t like where this story is going- why can’t Shep just NOT be a predator?!

Deidre, aka the stand in mother of Kathryn’s children, starts planning Saint’s wedding while Thomas basically just agrees with whatever she says. For a guy that has been convicted on drug charges, it’s pretty wild how much he shames Kathryn for her mistakes. Thomas invites his Dad, and he says he has a dentist appointment at 2:30 (omg) and if they pull out his tooth, he’s not coming. Yikes! T.Rav’s Daddy issues are slowly bubbling to the surface of this bourbon slushee that is T.Rav’s life (lol), and some of his decisions are starting to make sense. 

Whitney tells Thomas he had lunch with Kathryn, and suggests inviting her to Saint’s birthday party. We see The Giggler, aka Landon, on date with her hot piece. “We’re not allowed to call it Roam anymore” -hahahahaha “as it turns out, there are several other companies called Roam.” hahahhahaa!! Then Landon calls herself an Old Hen, to which I say, shit, talk about a self drag!! Landon then tells an ABSOLUTELY heart wrenching story about how no man has ever gone on a walk with her and her 12-year old dog the whole time she has had her- fuck, Landon, my heart is breaking for you! As much as Landon bugs the f out of me, I truly saw some character redemption in her tonight. What made her unlikeable to me in the past was the general prissiness and prentension, but this moment showed a sliver of true human persona, which I appreciate!! “Look at me, crying into a chicken wing!!”

Elizabeth and Kathryn go to coffee, and Kathryn tearily thinks about the fact it’s Saint’s birthday, and she’s not with her baby boy on his day. Then Elizabeth reveals that ta-daaa! She has the response from Thomas from the letter she wrote him earlier! Thomas invited her to Saint’s birthday party! I like where this is going.

Next Week: Kathryn attends Saint’s bday! Cameran breaks into Shep’s condo because he fell off the grid! Can’t wait to see what happens!! SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!!

I LITERALLY CAFTAN’T. southern charm recap 5/22

EPISODE 8?! This season is flying by and I love every second. I started my new job today (whee) and and writing to you from my iPad for the first time (this is difficult whee!!) so, let’s get STARTED.

Cameran gave the recap of last week, and ended it beautifully with “I meaaaaaan, I think Landon would flirt with a corpse.” Award winning.  But WHERE is Mama Estelle?!i miss your smile.

Kathryn leaves darling Whitney a voicemail (in her Jeep obvi)- oh dang are the rivals making amends?! Does Kathryn ever leave her Jeep?! I NEED ANSWERS!

Thomas is playing tour guide of Charleston with Kenzie- she is so dang cute I want to die.

Naomie and Craig are going to counseling, and he’s complaining that she’s “not on his team,” and I’m sure their therapist is laughing at him under his breath. “Being from the North doesn’t give him an excuse to be an asshole.”

“He’s just a sensitive little guy”- LOLZ NAOMIE DRAG HIM 

It’s so hard not to mock Craig for being a whiny baby. Speaking of whiny Craig, My friend Dan always brings the lols during this show on twitter, and tonight was no different.Craig’s reasoning is based on his fragile ego, and I love that Naomie tries to give him a sense of reality by giving it to him straight. 

Austen & Landon are getting crunk in da club- I don’t know why he hangs out with her and it bugs big time. Last week it was the FaceTime call, and don’t even get me STARTED on “this isn’t roam-worthy.”

“You think Chelsea is the type that would let me like, wiggle on top of her while I’m drunk?” – GROSSO AUSTEN.

omg Shep trying to make Landon and Austen still happen? Blech. Austen reveals that Chelsea basically friend zoned him, Shep-style. Shep is shakin in his boots at the thought of another chance with Chelsea, and it gives him even more ammo to try to hook Austen and Landon up together. 

Ok we are back in da house with T.Rav’s dad, who had an illustrious political career, and I’m sure Thomas wishes he could say the same. We get a back story about Thomas’s many siblings, and how he ended up being a lot closer to his mom after his parents split.

Chelsea continues to drag Austen along! I mean, they go on a date. Chelsea is continuing to be the “cool girl” because she “likes sports.” But she also calls out his boner, and says their intercourse ended so quickly there wasn’t any time for him to get sweaty… LOLLL ok Chelsea I’ll give you that one. Austen then divulges his sister died in a freak accident when she was only 10 and he was even younger, which was S O sad, but you can also see how much Chelsea really cares about Austen, so maybe she will end up continuing to fall for him- good luck to him and his boner! 

OMG Patricia! And her equally glamorous friend, Georgette, who she described as first meeting at a “fancy party,” and also the business partner of her AMAZING caftan line! Dressed in all black, she is the yin to Patricia’s yang, and I’m immediately obsessed.

TIME FOR THE KATHRYN/CHELSEA MEETCUTE!

Chelsea is doing Kathryn’s hair, and speaks about the letter she has written to Thomas. Also, Kathryn’s hair looks AMAZING in the confessional. Yas bitch.

We see Thomas reading the letter to JD, and the suspense is killing me! Juxtaposed with Kathryn describing her relationship with Thomas to Chelsea- what a moment. Kathryn knows the tumultuous relationship Thomas has with his father, and if anything, she is happy that she gave Thomas a child in attempts to somehow bond with his Dad. JD and Thomas agree that he wants to give Kathryn a chance, so WE’LL SEE!!!

“I want one with Whitney’s face on it”- Cameran and also, me.

Cultural appropriation time! Everyone shows up in their Saris & they eat curry. Georgette doesn’t want any language at the table, but after 3 gin rickey’s everyone is getting buckwild.

Georgette is, of course, sporting a huge rock on her finger which looks amazing with her dog caftan, and also chides everyone for swearing.  She also speaks to the importance of forgiveness. Sigh. That is so relevant to my life GEORGETTE YOU ARE AMAZING!!

The surprise that came to the party was an Indian healer- I secretly hoped she was gonna be like the e-cigarette smoking psychic Allison DuBois from real housewives of bev hills, but I can’t have everything. 

Everyone asks questions about other people, and very predictable things, Cameran is gonna have kids, Shep will never get married, and Landon has a soulmate in the room. She also said that Whitney will have a child, which LOL with who?! His wackadoo British girlfriend now making her THIRD appearance on this program?! LORT. Whitney announces Kathryn wants to make amends and naturally, Landon FLIPS OUT. You can’t get rid of Kathryn that easily, huns.

Whitney then asks the PSYCHIC about it, and she’s like uhh, can’t compute, psychic powers dwindling. Cameran is telling these bitches to stay out of it, and of course Craig and Landon start yelling about it. “Words are words, actions are actions”- thanks for the wise words, Landy.

“Naomie, support me while I meddle in everyone’s business.”- Craig, probably.

“We need to stay out of their business!”- Cameran, while Craig and Shep both respectively GOSH’D together. Those two are THE meddlers.

NEXT WEEK!! Cameran & Kathryn meet! Elizabeth gives Kathryn the letter Thomas has written in response! I CAN’T WAIT!!!

ICE CREAM DETOX & QUAIL SHOOTIN: southern charm recap 5/15

SOUTHERN CHARM EP 7 Y’ALL! I’m actually a little shook that I’ve been able to keep up this long- full disclosure I’m starting a new job on Monday, so I’m a little worried about how the rest of the season will pan out, but I’m looking forward to giving it the old try! Anyway, enough about me and on with SOUTHERN CHARM! WOOOOO!!!!

We open with the normal shots of all the cast members, including Cameran, and WAS MAMA ESTELLE IN CAMERAN’S BED!? 

good morning, voodoo doll!

Kathryn shows up to JD & Elizabeth’s house, and their kids are absolutely darling. Kathryn accuses Jennifer Snowden of having an affair with Thomas while she was pregnant, and that leaves me a little shook. Honestly, JD & Elizabeth are probably the most level headed humans on this show…other than Naomie. JD has become somewhat of a voice of reason between Thomas & Kathryn, shockingly. I also love hearing his opinions on the matter, because nobody else is quite in the middle like the godfather & godmother of their kids. Kathryn says Thomas reached out to her to reconnect, and she’s a little shook about it. Also, I love that Kathryn has an average appearance of 4 minutes every episode this season, and watching the preview for next episode, I’m a little confused to be honest. How is all this drama going to materialize when the source of a lot of the drama only is in one scene in every episode?

Good ol Sheppy is in the house, going on a run…to the Altschul residence. Whitney is just as surprised Shep is running as I am. “I haven’t had a drink in 5 days, this is good.”  *cuts to Shep ordering a McFlurry in the drive thru* Homeboy is straight up DJ James Kennedy right now, choosing ice cream through sobriety. Truly inspirational. Anyway, Whitney and Shep talk shit about Craig, but what else is new!?

hork it down, girl

Craig and Naomie are next, and Craig is giving Naomie the cold shoulder, as Naomie demands an apology from her shitty boyfriend, because she’s a badass bitch!!!! DRAG HIM THRU THE MUD GIRL. He keeps saying that she’s “airing their dirty laundry,” but really, she’s just “telling people how terrible her boyfriend is and he’s embarrassed.”

“You will not speak to me like that again ever.”- Naomie. Y A S BITCH. Kill him with your words.

“There’s nothing better to get out of a bad spot than just shooting shit.” – quote #46 as to why I love this ho.

WE SHOPPIN W/WHIT & SHEP & …AUSTEN!? Color me awk. Austen hasn’t shot quail before, and also hasn’t gotten shot by Shep when he gets confronted about dating Chelsea behind Shep’s back- yeeeaaaaahhhhh boiiiiiiii. Austen is trying to keep how much he LUVZ Chelsea on the dl so he doesn’t hurt Shep’s feelings, and Shep takes it as a personal victory, to which I say LOLLLL. They then make weird flirtatious comments about Austen   & Landon- SHEP, stop trying to matchmake Austen away from Chelsea! You wish bro!

OH MY GOD PATRICIAS PHONE CASE. She is in a Chauncey caftan with a fucking HUGE teddy bear phone case. She is an iconic legend.

the best life.

Thomas said, “You know if I married Landon I wouldn’t make her sign a prenup,” which I thought I was sweet.” LOL PATRICIA. I’m also absolutely deceased at the fact Thomas can’t go to this hunting trip because he’s a F E L O N. Hysterical. I love that they choose the one trip their one felon friend can’t attend.

They are going to their hunting trip! Shep is trying to start the rumor of Austen & Landon, which is honestly hysterical. GIRL U DREAMIN. Meanwhile, Landon is in the backseat watching Austen & Chelsea flirt like… :::fook:::

They rock up to their beautiful cabin with stunning beds and chandeliers- I hate the idea of this trip, but I enjoy their lodgings. Craig, meanwhile, shows up in a Ron Jon Surf Shop Cocoa Beach tank, and Whitney, as Cameran describes him, looks like “Benjamin Button.”

Whatever whatever, they go shooting, Shep has reinstated his drinking, and they go to a beautiful dinner, and Shep is wasted in a feathered hat and red solo cup already. Chelsea & Austen go DO IT, and then Shep is peeved that they are still v into each other. “I think Austen’s tryna get laid…” ok Shep, so are you, 24/7!!!!

Landon is red, and all over Austen. Meanwhile, Shep is cackling violently at these events- hey fam, why you gotta sabotage Austen & Chelsea like that!?

Thomas is talking about his kids, and the whole world is cringing. “I really enjoy spending time with them, and I never thought I would feel like that”- K THOMAS. Elizabeth, the sweet angel baby saint, tries to reason with a drunk Thomas that he needs to make it work with his baby mama. He confesses he sent her a text, and she didn’t respond. “Kathryn will always be a part of the equation, which makes me hesitant to ::fuck thomas::” – Landon, plus my creative embellishment.

They’re all getting wasted, Chelsea looks embarrassed as fuck, Cameran is wasted. Chelsea & Austen sneak away, which is excellent, and Shep secretly cries a tear as his girl leaves with his protege. BANG HIM CHELS YOU GO GIRL. “I never thought I’d miss this kids so much” UGHHHH stop praising Thomas for being a C- parent, and being shocked at when he feels emotions and love. jeSUS.

The next morning, Landon is in head to toe camo laying across a couch, and Naomie is in a stunning red jacket, sitting upright, with a perfect ponytail- the perfect juxtaposition. However, keep in mind I just dislike Landon, and literally anything and everything she does annoys me, so cut to me next week complaining about her breathing air.

Austen & Chelsea, BONIN IN THE LOVE SHACK! I’m proud of you babies. Honestly, fuck Shep, y’all are good for each other, and for the love of god, Austen, DO NOT DATE LANDON. Chelsea also says she “likes it the way it is,” aka she doesn’t want to be in a relationship. Lord jesus. But so is Austen, allegedly, but he is so in love with her now. *looks at the camera Jim Halpert style*

fook

Looks like we are mid to end of the season now, because they hit us with that “coming up on Southern Charm” trailer. It has a lot of Kathryn involved, which will be interesting since she’s been in a total of 7 minutes of this season so far. Also, Chelsea throwing shade at Landon, which I love, and Landon responding with. “There is no girl code that’s the lamest thing I’ve ever heard grow up”- ONLY A CRAZY GIRL WITH NO FRIENDS WOULD SAY THAT, LANDONNNNNN. I’m so upset. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK XO

“THIS IS NOT SHANGRI-LA, CRAIG- IT’S A RENTAL PROPERTY”: southern charm recap 5/8

WELCOME TO SOUTHERN CHARM!!

I almost missed the first few minutes because I found a spider my cat refused to kill, and got pen on my sheets. COOL. C’MON, EPISODE SIX, LET’S. GET. SICKENING.

enjoy my RPDR reference.

“I don’t want the party that is life to end.” This is Shep’s response to receiving a phone call from his doctor that his liver is inflamed, because of his hard partying ways. Well if you don’t want the party to end, stop guzzling buttery nipples with every University of South Carolina sorority sister within a 5 foot radius of you, Sheppy poo! I promise, it’ll be for the best.

CHAUNCEHHHHHHH!!! Patricia in a jewel-toned caftan telling Whitney she wants to plan a dinner party to bring Landon & Thomas together. (gross, but I also support everything Patricia does…even this. not really. ew)

Screen Shot 2017-05-09 at 7.04.03 PM
my prince.
Cameran & Craig tour a house together, and Craig is being particular AF. Within seconds he turned from newbie realtor to Million Dollar Property Agent perusing a cliffside home in Malibu. “This is not Shangri-La, Craig…it’s a rental property.” Cameran calls him “caviar taste with a vienna sausage budget,” to which I say, same.

Craig complains to Cameron how Naomie isn’t his “yes” man, saying “she just wants me to focus on just one thing”- so like, what a normal person does? Maybe an overachiever has two things? Meanwhile, Craig wants to be a gardener/seamstress/realtor/charity organizer/carpenter/lawyer.

Kathryn is hitting Shep up! partytimeexcellent. They plan to go to a yoga class, or Shep invites himself to Kathryn’s yoga class. I love that Kathryn is spending most of the season driving around in her Isuzu/Subaru/Jeep midsize suv vehicle and talking on speakerphone.

Chelsea & Austen are OUT on the town, and they go to a joint which looks like it’s in a rusted barn, but I’m sure that’s the appeal of it. They are there to do some beer tasting, which literally sounds like the worst date on the planet. “I don’t think there’s anyone who doesn’t like beer, they just haven’t had the right one yet.” Watching this date makes me sick to my stomach- I can’t deal with the fermented liquid bread juice, personally, so the answer to that is ME, Austen. I don’t like beer. (But I can down a blue moon if ABSOLUTELY necessary.)

HAHAHAHAH THAT FUCKIN VOODOO DOLL IS BACK AND CAMERAN HAS BROUGHT IT TO A RESTAURANT. This is giving me serious Will & Grace vibes when Jack would bring his Cher doll to restaurants.

Amazing. Anyway, there’s a dog corpse buried behind the voodoo doll, aaand this lunch is the weirdest.

Screen Shot 2017-05-09 at 7.12.52 PM
i cannot stop laughing.
Cameran then gifts Shep with his own creepy af doll that looks like a colorless, faceless test driver dummy, and says “Pull down the pants- it’s anatomically correct.” Shep then does so to reveal the most horrific little doll pee pee i have EVER seen and ever want to see in my whole life. Ay carumba.

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who is she
Screen Shot 2017-05-09 at 7.16.18 PM
parental guidance recommended.
It’s dinner time! Patricia is in a royal blue caftan, and she’s setting up her dinner party with Whitney & Michael- classic. iconic. legendary. place cards. “With these kids- Whitney’s friends- I can just go to Costco & buy all the liquor”- SHE’S A THRIFTY QUEEN Y’ALL.

Screen Shot 2017-05-09 at 7.16.58 PM
LEGENDS ONLY
OH MY F U C K IN GOD CRAIG IS EMBROIDERING GIZMO ON A PILLOW CASE. I AM DECEASED. Naomie is laughing at him, and then he got mad because he wants her to be her “ride or die.”

Cameran comes to the Altschul residence, and finds out that Patricia is essentially throwing this dinner party to set Landon & Thomas up. Lordt. Landon is in a mustard mumu, and Thomas TOTALLY knows the purpose of this party is to set he & Landon up, and loves that shit. Whitney calls Landon’s fuck bud “dumb” and a “bimbo,” and she continues to flit through this conversation remaining unlikeable.

Kathryn comes to her yoga class, becoming one with her chi, etc. etc. Then SHEP comes in, and he’s already sweating. LOLOLOL SHEP @ YOGA. I appreciate his effort. Sort of. Kathryn really seems to have calmed down a lot since rehab, and even since last week with Jennifer Snowden, but let’s see how long this lasts.

Austen is back with his parents at the same restaurant he was with them in the first episode of this show. Austen’s mom is a fireCRACKER, and gets shit done, and I like her immediately. His parents basically tell him to get his shit together. Cool.

KENSIE RAVENEL IS HERE TO PARTY AT THE SIP & SEE! Papa Ravenel is running to see Landon ugh. Baby Snowden is a precious miracle baby! I will say, Shep holding a baby is a sight to behold. Perf angel Naomie shows up to the party Craig-less, commenting that  “he wasn’t ready, so I left him”- THATTAGIRL NAOMIE! TAME YOUR STRAY DOG!! OMg. Shep holding Kenzie. I’m weak.

Screen Shot 2017-05-09 at 7.25.56 PM
about done with craig’s bullshit.
Lil Jennifer Snowden goes and TELLS CRAIG THAT THEY’RE TALKING SHIT ABOUT HIM, and Craig harps about loyalty- hey Craig, I found your new best friend Caroline Stanbury- you two can undyingly have each other’s backs despite problematic behaviors stemming from both parties. But really, Jennifer Snowden? Don’t you have bigger fish to fry than peep-a-leeping into people’s personal business?

Jennifer & Thomas have a heart to heart about their kids, and how Kathryn equally hates them, and she says “just don’t bring any random chicks around the kids”- as Landon walks up HAHAHAH. Well done, Bravo, well done.

The passive aggressive couple known as Naomie & Craig are fighting in front of party guests, and I’m nervous. MOM & DAD R FIGHTING.

“I’m literally dating a teenage girl”- LORD CRAIG. IF SHE’S A TEENAGE GIRL, YOU ARE A 5TH GRADE. He literally just told his girlfriend “child, you can speak.” But the good thing about Naomie is that she will cut a bitch and it’s so satisfying to watch! I LOVE YOU GIRL!!!!

Craig then continues to drag his girlfriend through the mud as she continues to try to mend relationships with this group of people. She was pretty upset she didn’t get invited to dinner at Patricia’s house, and loves being in that group, but Craig has definitely isolated himself out of that group since taking Kathryn’s side last season.

That’s pretty much it! Lots of arguing between  Naomie & Shep, and Patricia is now officially a matchmaker for Thomas & Landon- AMAZING.

Sidenote: Im officially 2 minutes into Southern Charm: Savannah and I fuckin hate it and everyone’s ugly. Perf.

BYEEEEEEEEeEEEEE